WASHINGTON — Former Florida Congressman and current Attorney General nominee Matt Gaetz reportedly put in an unorthodox request today after asking to be sworn in on Jeffrey Epstein’s Little Black Book, sources confirmed.
“Whether it was an argument with my girlfriend over her curfew or an illegal Democratic witch hunt over a tiny little alleged ‘sex trafficking’ violation, when times were tough there was always one book I could turn to for salvation: Epstein’s Little Black Book. Without it and the towering influence of the figures within, I wouldn’t be where I am today. That’s why I think it’s only right that I’m sworn in as your next Attorney General on this sacred text,” said Gaetz, giving a statement from his field office underneath the bleachers at a high school volleyball game. “I just wish that my good friend Jeff was here to witness this day, but sadly you can’t have a holy crusade without a martyr.”
President-Elect Donald Trump took to Truth Social to quickly make the historic announcement all about him.
“My friend Matt Gaetz, good guy, loves women, all women, young old, it doesn’t matter, he loves them all, but especially young. That’s what makes him great, he told me he’s going to be sworn in as Attorney General on Epstein’s Little Black Book, isn’t that great folks? And let me tell you what a special book it is. A great book. People keep telling me my name is in there many times, many more times than Bill Clinton even, can you believe that?” said Trump, holding up a gilded copy of the book. “Well folks, for just $59.99 you can get a copy of the God Bless the USA edition of Epstein’s Little Black Book, isn’t that wonderful? It’s got the Ten Commandments, only the good parts of the Constitution, and many celebrities. Let’s stop the madness and Make America Prey Again!”
Trump insider Glen Stephens revealed that similar requests have skyrocketed amidst the flood of Trump Cabinet nominees.
“President Trump has been appointing nominees so quickly, I can hardly keep up with all the requests for Epstein’s Little Black Book for swearing in ceremonies. Luckily we kept a few of the copies Trump left in the Lincoln Bedroom nightstands,” said Stephens, searching through a cardboard box full of confidential documents in a Mar-a-Lago janitor’s closet. “The special requests have been making it tough, though—Stephen Miller requested his with all the ‘ethnic sounding names’ crossed out, and Elon keeps asking if he can be sworn in on a flaming katana.”
Gaetz later announced that his first act as Attorney General would be to urge the DEA to reschedule Rohypnol.