TEL AVIV — The United Nations decided to call on model, media personality, and socialite Kendall Jenner to deliver a can of Pepsi to the IDF in hopes of ending the escalating war in the Middle East, confirmed sources who had no backup plans if this didn’t work.
“Who knew a stern talking to from the international community wouldn’t stop this?” bemoaned United Nations Commissioner, Volker Turk. “Nothing’s been working either. We tried giving Israel 50 billion dollars, but that doesn’t appear to be doing enough for peace. If anything they’re just increasing the bombings. It looks like we’re going to have to call upon a true weapon for peace: The American Monarchy. In particular, a reality star. She seemed to singlehandedly end racial injustice years ago, so now it’s time to put her Instagram fame to the test.”
A spokesperson from acclaimed beverage juggernaut PepsiCo weighed in on their decision to aid the United Nations in its efforts.
“Look, I’m not saying Pepsi ended racism in 2017, a lot of people say that. I don’t, but a lot of people do. At the end of the day, you can’t say the summer of 2020 happens without Pepsi,” said spokesperson Ron Brokaw, “We got a lot of backlash from that ad. People weren’t ready to have the conversation Pepsi was having. But they all come crawling back eventually. And Pepsi is here to answer the call. We’re here to give the world what it needs: aspartame and a two-state solution.”
A member of Jenner’s personal team reported how enthusiastic she was to join the cause.
“When I asked Kendall if she would be interested in donating her time to issues with the IDF she said ‘like with fertility?’ and I said ‘No the IDF’s war with Hamas,’” shared Jenner’s assistant Ashley Bowood. “And she said ‘Ashley, what does having babies have to do with snack dip? Is hummus bad for fertility? Because I eat that shit all the time?’ And then I told her it would be great for her to lend her platform for good. Then I told her this would do big numbers for her tequila brand and she agreed.”
At press time, Jenner was being loaded into a plane as they prepared her to be air dropped into the front lines.