It’s that time of year again. The sun starts setting before lunch, you exchange your summer beanie for your cold weather beanie, and the Death Cab for Cutie-induced depression starts creeping in. Some hypothesize that the change to colder temperatures and less daylight can result in temporary mental drear. But in reality, it is the sole cause of singer/songwriter Ben Gibbard’s music.
To prevent four to six months of depression, here are the 30 Death Cab songs you should absolutely avoid at all costs to maintain a healthy mental state this season. (Listen to the playlist, click here)
30. “Your New Twin Sized Bed” (2008)
Ben Gibbard is an exceptionally talented lyricist who writes beautiful songs that resonate with Millennials of all ages, and he simply must be stopped for the sake of everyone’s collective mental wellness.
29. “Tiny Vessels” (2003)
For every Death Cab song you listen to this autumn, you have to hear a good four or five ska tracks to undo the psychological damage. So if you want to avoid Reel Big Fish, stick with something more neutral. Like Cannibal Corpse.
28. “Asphalt Meadows” (2022)
At one point, Ben Gibbard started ultra running, including 50k and 100k races. Clearly this man’s level of depression has reached the “running 50 miles at a time” stage. So when doctors tell you that exercise alleviates the symptoms of depression, just show them any Death Cab for Cutie album post-2015 and Ben’s race times, and prove them all wrong.
27. “Brothers on a Hotel Bed” (2005)
Hope you have one of those therapeutic mood lights because that’s the only thing that will combat the effects of “Brothers on a Hotel Bed.” If that doesn’t work, you could try industrial grade fog lights on your bedside table. Otherwise, there’s no hope this season.
26. “Transatlanticism” (2003)
Once you’ve reached isolated piano note levels of Death Cab depression, your best bet is to wait it out until the weather gets above 65 degrees and you can finally leave your home. This too shall pass, as long as you turn off the “Transatlanticism” once and for all.
25. “Bixby Canyon Bridge” (2008)
If you’re looking for solutions to your seasonal depression, look way further than Ben Gibbard-fronted bands. Unfortunately, not even the Postal Service will save you, like it theoretically should.
24. “We Laugh Indoors” (2001)
Have we as a society tried straight up pausing all sad indie music from October through March and replacing it with “Who Let the Dogs Out”? If SSRIs don’t work, Baha Men might.
23. “Your Heart Is an Empty Room” (2005)
“Your Heart Is an Empty Room” is the official song of walking outside alone during a light drizzle while dead leaves smack you in the face and you don’t look up from your blink-less gaze at the sidewalk the whole time. It’s that good.
22. “No Sunlight” (2008)
Even this song title highlights one of the major causes for depression. A lack of sunlight and its healing vitamin D properties will only make you want to lie face down on your living room floor every night until the sunshine comes back next year. Death Cab may have inadvertently endorsed vitamin deficiencies.
21. “Marching Bands of Manhattan” (2005)
If you want to avoid Death Cab-induced seasonal depression, you’re going to have to wait until the summer to play this band. More specifically, wait until it’s 80 degrees in July to play “Marching Bands of Manhattan” for everyone at your pool party. They’ll all thank you later.
20. “Amputations” (1998)
Please be careful this fall when choosing music from a Death Cab for Cutie era. ’90s Death Cab can be almost as dangerous as their 2000s work. If only they didn’t write such beautiful music, so we can avoid them year-round.
19. “A Movie Script Ending” (2001)
Being drawn to music with jangly guitars is typically the first sign of mental despondency. The next sign is craving a track with a song structure that could instantly induce depression in Disney adults at Disney. There’s a reason they don’t play 2000s Death Cab on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride.
18. “Meet Me on the Equinox” (2009)
This one landed on the “Twilight” soundtrack and Robert Pattinson hasn’t been the same since. I mean, even his Batman was somber as hell instead of badass as shit. Ben, look what have you done to Bruce Wayne.
17. “Title and Registration” (2003)
Scientists have theorized that Death Cab for Cutie’s discography could reverse the positive effects of exercise and a good night’s sleep, which reverses the negative effects of depression. This never-ending cycle can be averted by avoiding Death Cab music and working out altogether.
16. “I Dreamt We Spoke Again” (2018)
Listen, it’s not Ben’s fault that he’s been blessed with the ability to induce a low mood mental state through the magic of song. He’s just embracing his destiny and we must all experience a sudden loss of interest in our hobbies as a result of his gift.
15. “What Sarah Said” (2005)
As the official band of seasonal depression, Death Cab for Cutie excels at making us subconsciously stare at a blank wall for an hour before getting out of bed and forget to eat lunch even though it’s our favorite meal of the day. They can’t keep getting away with this. Our pre-made sandwiches simply cannot expire in our refrigerators any longer.
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