LOS ANGELES — The Foo Fighters’ indefinite hiatus following Dave Grohl’s infidelity scandal is upending the world of the few child musicians who have not yet been invited up on stage to play with the band, inconsolable sources confirmed.
“I feel like I’ve wasted my life. I’ve spent the last four years perfecting my craft so Dave could call me up on stage, it was all for nothing,” explained eight-year-old Cameron Duckers, one of five children in the world still waiting for their chance on stage. “Everyone knows these days it’s TikTok, drop out of Juilliard, or get invited up on stage at a Foo Fighters concert. And my mom has made it abundantly clear she can’t afford Juilliard and I got banned from TikTok for trying to make usernames with variations on ‘dick and balls.’ And it wasn’t a far-fetched plan. My buddy Mike got brought up at their last tour and my buddy Kevin’s friend’s older brother was on the year before that. Mom was using my college fund for Ticketmaster fees. That’s how much of a sure thing this was.”
The implications of the band’s break also came as a shock to many adult fans.
“Of course I’m bummed. Foo Fighters have been my favorite band for almost three decades. I’ve been trying to get a viral video of Dave inviting a kid up on stage for years. But I’m always behind someone really tall or like one time I got too excited and dropped my phone in my beer,” said mega-fan Nora Rochester. “I’m actually in this Facebook group for viral video artists and I feel like I was getting so close to knocking this one off my bingo card. Now I have to depend on my stupid cat knocking a wedding cake off the counter or something like that to go viral, I’m screwed.”
Grohl admits the decision to stop touring has been a hard one.
“This is not something we took lightly, we know there are still a half dozen children out there who have not had the chance to play with us and it breaks my heart. When we talked through our options, I did a whole PowerPoint presentation on how this would affect the child music industry. But they wouldn’t hear me,” said Grohl. “They kept saying things like ‘That’s what you’re thinking about right now?’ and ‘Maybe those aren’t the kids you should be worried about.’ And I just want all the little Daves and Davettes out there to know that this isn’t their fault. I still love them. And they can totally come play on my new Podcast if they want! It’s called Dave’s Faves. I talk about my fave child prodigies.”
At press time, Grohl announced he would only grant paternity tests to women who beat him in a social media drum battle.