PHILADELPHIA — Local man Duncan Jackson remains utterly unaware that he is the manager of his friend’s band Black Lab and totally responsible for their professional career and financial stability, confirmed sources.
“I like Black Lab well enough and I was even one of seven of their monthly listeners on Spotify at one point,” said Jackson, who declined an “unknown caller” phone call from the band’s bassist. “I go to see their shows whenever it works for my schedule and to say hi to my buddy Steve [McTrain], who drums in the band. I just don’t see them ever really hitting it big or moving out of the local circuit here. They just don’t really seem to have any kind of direction or consistency in what they’re doing. They really should get a manager or maybe a PR person, but who would want to be affiliated with a semi-shitty bar band? Not me.”
Black Lab lead singer Pete Behan says that the band has been losing faith in Jackson’s managerial abilities.
“Dunko has been one of our favorite casual acquaintances for years before he became our default manager,” said Behan, using the band’s nickname for Jackson, which he is wholly ignorant of. “He’s a cool dude, but being cool is not what this band needs to succeed. It’s great that he always has constructive criticism about guitar solos and cover songs, but we need someone who prioritizes us over some shitty day job. I mean, I know that he’s technically the Deputy Comptroller for Philadelphia, so he actually has some pretty serious responsibilities over the metro area, but is that as important as us getting a paying gig for once?”
Notorious band manager and current CEO of HYBE-America Scooter Braun was familiar with the many difficulties of being a band manager, especially if you don’t know that you’re one.
“I’ll be frank, being a band manager blows,” said Braun. “I’ve managed weirdos like Kanye West, Demi Lovato, and Ariana Grande; trying to wrangle these Hollywood types is a pain in the ass at best and a good way to get doxed by Swifties at worst. I don’t know why anyone would ever be a band manager. I only got into it because I’m in a book club with Justin Bieber’s mom and drank enough Prosecco over ‘The Poisonwood Bible’ to think that I was just agreeing to sponsor that brat’s little league team.”
As of press time, Jackson’s spam email folder contained several offers for Black Lab to open for Journey.