CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Researchers at Harvard University determined that 100% of Millennials suffer from PTSD linked to exposure to the website rotten.com, confirmed sources who even winced upon hearing the name said out loud.
“I wish we had never done this,” confessed Dr. Tyler Brink, the leading researcher of the project. “We were trying to get to the bottom of why an entire generation of 75 million people are so bleak and joyless. Sure, you could point to anything, like the lack of economic prospects and affordable housing, college debt, social media, or the fact that as children they watched that scene from ‘The NeverEnding Story’ where the horse drowns in the swamp. But we found that as we kept going backwards to the first moment, rotten.com was the primary culprit. I don’t know why it never occurred to anyone because it’s so obvious.”
Millennials weren’t terribly shocked to learn about the discovery.
“Well, I guess that does make sense,” said 37-year-old Mark Gallagher, as he stared blankly at the floor. “Everyone brings up how they wish they could go back to the late ‘90s when there was a surplus and 9/11 hadn’t happened yet. But that was also around the time when my friends dared me to go on rotten.com. Pictures of Severed hands? Videos of people jumping off skyscrapers? Old man soup? I was 14 and I didn’t know any better. But now that we’re talking about it, I’m going to need to take a really, really long cry in the shower because I thought I blocked all that shit out.”
The developer of the now-defunct website, who goes under the pseudonym Soylent, was proud of the statistic.
“Oh my God, 100% trauma. That’s fucking great,” said the developer between bites of pig’s feet and hardboiled eggs. “Everyone was wastin’ their time bitching about Marilyn Manson hurting a generation. All I started with was a dream, some basic coding, and a couple of Dixie Cups of diarrhea. I could get into kids’ nightmares no problem. Shit like Pain Olympics, Lemon Party, and Blue Waffle? I walked so they could run, bro. And while I’d like to think I did it for freedom of speech, I’ve realized it was all because I hate every single one of you.”
As of press time, Harvard researchers were already onto their next study to determine why podcasts about murder are considered to be so relaxing.