HOBOKEN, N.J. — Slayer superfan Dwayne Imico inadvertently discovered how much of his own puke his new Slayer Igloo cooler could successfully hold recently after binging on the 30 beers he kept inside of it, several greasy sources report.
“First thing I did with my new Slayer Igloo cooler I got as a gift for finishing my community service was load up with a 30-rack of Modelos, and headed down to the river to crush them while blasting my favorite tunes on my car stereo,” Imico explained. “Tell you what, this puppy sure can hold some barf! My old Metallica cooler could only hold about a gallon of puke, and this thing at least doubles that! I didn’t have to empty it out into the river where a bunch of kids were trying to swim. Everyone wins here!”
Slayer frontman Tom Araya is elated by the opportunity to cash in on his band’s name once again.
“I always figured that saying we’re calling it quits, then reforming whenever we get offered ungodly amounts of money to play a festival here-and-there wasn’t going to be enough,” Araya stated. “We were going to have to branch out with merchandising. And we thought, ‘Slayer fans love to drink, they barf all the fucking time, and they hate the embarrassment of vomiting on their own boots.’ So a Slayer Igloo cooler was the perfect way to take on all those things! This was a way better idea than the Slayer Easy Bake Oven idea.”
According to one representative of the Igloo company, the road to releasing the Slayer cooler wasn’t without its share of obstacles.
“When about two-thirds of our research and development team quit within the first day of vomit-testing, we knew this wasn’t going to be easy,” Igloo spokesman Ridley Anderson explained. “We hired metalheads specifically for the puke testing stage, but ironically, all of them kept calling off due to massive hangovers. So, we settled for major pro-wrestling fans to take their places, and our research staff were none the wiser. It was a huge success!”
At press time, Kerry King announced he would be releasing a cooler as similar to the Slayer one as he could without it actually being the Slayer one.