NEW YORK — Self-described music enthusiast Robbie Rivera is in critical condition after realizing his previous statements about enjoying everything but rap and country failed to account for ska, sources report.
“Just because I like everything but rap and country doesn’t mean I’ve heard and loved everything else out there,” Rivera said while Googling ska for the first time. “I tell people that because I’m an open-minded guy who likes Taylor Swift and whatever heavy acts are on shirts in the Target men’s section, but nothing too controversial for my mom or too safe for my dad. Everything else is fair game, even the last few Weezer albums. But ska? I thought that was something my buddy made up to mess with me like Norwegian black metal. Guess I have to look that up now, too.”
Ska enthusiast Ian Lambert, who informed Rivera about the genre’s existence earlier today, condemned his ignorance of the influential subgenre.
“When you say you like everything but rap and country, I’m gonna assume ska falls under the everything part and offer you my extra Less Than Jake ticket,” Lambert said between bites of mozzarella sticks. “Now I’m not sure I even want to bring him along. By leaving ska off his list of exceptions, he’s basically pretended to enjoy it for years. He’s the ultimate poser. I should have known something was up when I brought up We Are The Union and he started going on about labor rights. What’s next, he tells me he hasn’t heard enough rap or country to write off two entire genres?”
Music critic Cameron Vaughn observed Rivera’s case as just one of many instances of someone claiming to be a fan of everything failing to account for ska.
“This is exactly why those claiming to like everything but rap and country cannot be trusted,” Vaughn said. “That statement implicitly endorses countless terrible subgenres while overlooking genuinely great rap and country songs like Megan Thee Stallion’s entire catalog and all those ballads about women killing their cheating husbands. But forgetting about ska is unforgivable. Not every ska artist is a great performer, but every great performer was once a ska artist. Just look up Oscar Isaac’s old bands, for Christ’s sake.”
At press time, Rivera confirmed he indeed liked ska after having the time of his life at a Mustard Plug show.