PORTLAND, Ore. — Local Crust Punk Jonas “Spleege” Johnson was recently released from county jail after explaining to authorities he was only siphoning that gas for its exquisite flavor, multiple sources confirmed.
“I don’t see anything wrong with having a little tasty fun. Once the sun sets and my shit-covered black leather jacket is veiled by the dark of night, it’s gas-sucking time,“ said Johnson, while somehow still reeking of cigarettes despite being drenched in gasoline. “I’d put the gas in my own car, but it’s in the shop right now, which is to say it’s beneath an underpass, has zero wheels, and is honestly more of a tent at this point. I just needed an excuse to sneak a little taste of the good shit, or, more accurately, a few sustained gulps like I’m shotgunning a beer.”
PPD Deputy Brunt Miller weighed in on Johnson’s apprehension.
“We’ve arrested this freak like ninety times, but he always gets off scot-free,” said Miller while curiously Googling “ok to drink gas Reddit” in incognito mode. “His defense in court is that no harm has been done because he always leaves a few bucks under the windshield wiper of the cars after he’s finished, and only does it because ‘it tastes like the forbidden elixir of the gods I don’t believe in.’ That line is honestly sick as hell, but it’s getting out of hand. He started doing it to everyone’s cars in the precinct parking lot. It’s like he’s taunting us.”
Former punk and one of Johnson’s victims Gertrude Wilhelm shared a gentler perspective.
“I don’t know, I just think he’s such a sweetie. It reminds me of my punk days. My friends and I would hang out, or I guess live, on the sidewalk next to an abandoned J.C. Penney and boof antifreeze,” said Wilhem nostalgically. “I always have a gas tank ready and waiting in a tree whenever he wants to climb up for a sip. It’s like a bird feeder, if bird feeders were filled with premium high-octane diesel for adult men.”
At press time, Johnson was seen skulking his way onto the tarmac to go after “his white whale,” 747 jet fuel.