SANTA BARBARA, Calif. — Invisible Gravity Cannabis Dispensary recently announced it will host throwback night where patrons can relive the days of splitting a fat sack between friends in a pre-legalization world, sources old enough to recall such a thing confirmed.
“Cannabis users have it easy these days so it’s more important than ever to preserve the history of stoner culture,” shop manager Ned Havemeyer said while slobbering closed a sandwich baggie full of shake. “Between overall convenience and government regulation, dispensaries have completely eliminated the rush that used to come with a blind handoff in a 7-Eleven parking lot. Sure, a street bag was never more than 3.1 on the scale, but it could feel like a pound once it was safely in your pocket. Those are the kinds of warm memories we hope to evoke.”
Frequent patron, Colin Hopper, looked forward to revisiting the pseudo-scientific process of divvying up an eighth with his two buddies.
“First we take turns admiring the one big nug while constantly accusing each other of touching it too much. Next, we get busy separating the rest into two equal piles based on net volume and variable density,” Hopper explained. “A second round of tense debate focuses on stem ratio, red hair distribution and projected keef deposits. Whoever plays it coolest throughout the process helps himself to the one big nug while the fussier two settle on a pile of mini buds each. As a final consolation, we reluctantly break off the tip of the one big nug and award it to whoever is still sulking about their share of the bag. If there’s time left we’ll smoke.”
Dr. Gary Wix, professor of comparative studies, expected the event to attract more than just nostalgic cheebmasters.
“It may be called throwback night but I’m certain the youth will be drawn by what they see as novelty,” Wix assured. “From flip phones to Walkmans to oversized jeans, college students have turned inconveniencing themselves into a leisure activity, so taking time to break up some weed and maybe even roll their own J is definitely their idea of a good time. Of course, the trend will be short-lived and the next day it’ll be back to ripping vapes and crashing e-bikes, but at least they will get a glimpse of what their parents experienced.”
At press time, Invisible Gravity was forced to halt operation while the Bureau of Weights and Measures investigated reports of a THC-CBD mixup.