GLENDALE, Ariz. — Tech death metal and former deathcore darlings Job for a Cowboy explained the sexual implications of their name once and for all, according to a statement by the band.
“I thought the signs were always there, but apparently I have to spell it out: the ‘job’ in Job for a Cowboy is, of course, a footjob,” said founder and singer Jonny Davy, who moonlights as a moderator on Wikifeet. “It’s when someone… well… they take off their socks, dump a good amount of lube on their arches. Maybe it’s best if you just Google it, but do it in a private tab, and definitely don’t do it at work. Most of our albums and songs have been about footjobs. What did you all think ‘Entombment of a Machine’ or ‘The Celestial Antidote’ were referring to? Get your head in the gutters, already.”
Longtime fans of the band expressed surprise at the revelation of the band’s true common themes.
“I always thought their stuff was about like, corruption and religion, so I’m not sure how to feel about all this foot masturbation stuff,” confessed fan Greg Hortley, who has seen Job for a Cowboy 7 times. “But now I am noticing little hidden feet in the album artwork and hearing whispers of ‘pinky pinky toe’ panned hard left in some songs. The ‘Doom’ EP is one of my favorite albums ever, and I just gave a copy to my teenage nephew who is just getting into metal. Now, I gotta sneak in and steal that weirdo shit back.”
Cowboys offered a possible explanation for the link between their profession and foot-based sexual stimulation.
“Not a lot of people know this, but the life of a cowboy is about 30% ranching, 70% footjobs,” said longtime Arizona rancher Ned O’Malley. “Receiving and giving, mind you. I’ve seen a ton of country music fans move out to the prairie because they think they can hang with the real cowboys. But when it comes time to stroke off someone with your feet or shove a toe somewhere, they run back to their lattes and apartments. Life on the farm ain’t for everyone, I can tell you that.”
Since the announcement, rumors have swirled that Quentin Tarantino has tapped Job for a Cowboy to score his next film.
Photo by Hervegirod.