CHATTANOOGA, Tenn. — High school math teacher Charles Negley experienced a fleeting moment of euphoria followed by utter disappointment earlier today, after reading news that Florida Governor Ron DeSantis was in a car crash, equally disappointed sources confirmed.
“Look, I’m not trying to sound like an asshole, but I was scrolling Reddit and saw the words ‘Ron DeSantis Car Crash’ and for a fleeting moment I experienced pure joy when I pictured his body on fire,” Negley said while donating to Justin Jones. “DeSantis has single-handedly brought the most deranged, cruel, and revisionist policies to one of the most populous states in the country. He’s like a less charismatic but more capable Trump. That’s fucking terrifying. So yeah, I got excited at the prospect that he might have flown through a windshield and died slowly on the asphalt. The despair I felt after reading he was uninjured can only be matched by my disappointment in my father for most of my childhood, and that’s saying something.”
The Presidential candidate himself offered a statement on those who were cheering for his tragic demise.
“This is what happens when we let wokeness into our country,” DeSantis said while forgetting to blink for several minutes. “Woke values have encouraged strangers on the internet to wish death on me, and also they’re all trans and gay now. Without Bud Light and Disney, no one would ever think poorly of me, or be upset that I didn’t die in a car crash. A real car crash, not just a metaphor for my campaign.”
Political pundit and Twitch streamer Hasan Piker was one of many talking heads who bemoaned current car safety standards.
“I’m fuckin’ distressed, man. I was really hoping ol’ Ron Pudding Fingers bit the dust,” Piker said while watching himself lift weights in the mirror. “It’s funny, he was uninjured due to safety standards he would roll back in a heartbeat if GM said something like ‘Seatbelts make boys want to be girls’ without any evidence to back it up. Unfortunately for everyone, the car didn’t explode on impact. I could have started a ‘Dead-Santis’ hype train in my chat and made at least $10k. Missed opportunity.”
At press time, Negley was seen Googling “how long for stroke after car crash.”