I’m sick of my dork nephew and his friends pretending not to be impressed the fighting skills I’ve honed over the past three weeks doing MMA at Impact Force Gym. Like most kids in our crumbling nation, they’re more interested in comic books and cartoons than real life. No matter how many sick combos I show off, they’re always saying stuff like “Yeah, well you could never beat Thanos!” I decided to set the record straight right here.
You’ll notice that as this list goes on the villains actually get stronger. That’s because iron sharpens iron. The fact that they are powerful will only further activate my feral instincts and make me stronger.
56. Captain Boomerang
Barely worth my time, he’s only on the list so I have someone to practice landing the twister on. I’ve almost got it.
55. Riddler
Riddle me this, nerd: Who has two wolves inside him and a +3000N punch for your smug face? This guy.
54. Kite Man
Not that this chump presents much of a challenge to begin with, but my boxing skills are on point. I’m just gonna blast my jabs so fast that the wind force blows him away.
53. Shredder
Kung-fu is so ‘80s my guy. The shred-man is no match for my radical mix of krav maga, Muay Thai and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. Plus I have a gun.
52. King Tut
One hit to the head and this college professor slips into an alter-persona where he thinks he’s King Tut reincarnated. One hit by ME to the head, he won’t be thinking anything at all, ever again.
51. Penguin
The guy is short, fat, and owns a nightclub. Sounds like a bunch of dudes I’ve already assaulted. And sure, he’ll probably fire me as a bouncer just like they did, but not before I crack that monocle with a right hook.
His illusions are powerless against someone who has listened to as much Rogan as I have, I see through those liberal holograms! I hope he enjoys multiple spin kicks to the breadbasket.
49. Skeletor
I gotta admit my man is pretty jacked for a skeleton. Too bad they don’t teach Brazilian jiu-jitsu in Eternia. No contest, chump. I’ll nap each one of his bones.
48. Venom
“Venom” is actually a hybrid of the Venom symbiote and disgraced journalist Eddie Brock, so technically this is gonna be 2 on 1. Fortunately for me, the symbiote will recognize this work, and ditch Eddie to bond with the superior male, making me more powerful than ever.
47. Ozymandias
This guy’s whole superpower is that he’s the world’s smartest man, so basically there are about a million ways I can lump up this nerd. If he’s really that smart, he better just go run and hide.
46. Ming The Merciless
This pansy “emperor’s” arch-nemesis was the quarterback for the New York Jets. I totally could have gone pro if I didn’t get kicked out of school for trying to blow up the soda machine in the cafeteria, and I damned sure would have wound up on a better football team than the Jets.