We sadly know that the full-length LP is dead in the water during the year of our lord known as 2023 (and all years moving forward) due to the world’s utter lack of an attention span. However, long before streaming angrily and viciously shot the album in the back of the head, these songs murdered said records right in front of their own eyes. FYI: We love all of these albums (apart from these closing final track snores) and they are not listed in order of best to worst (or otherwise), but rather in an alphabetical format. That’s for you to decide. Sorry, Greg Graffin. Despite this clerical error, we still think you’re smart and shit.
1. Bad Religion “Stranger Than Fiction”
Closing Track: “21st Century (Digital Boy)
Let’s start this list off with the most overrated punk band of all time: Bad Religion. Infected indeed. We will never understand why the band chose to close its major label debut album Stranger Than Fiction with an uninspired cover of their own song (Against the Grain’s “21st Century (Digital Boy)). It makes quite a lame statement, and honestly, that declaration is better off dead.
2. The Beatles “Abbey Road”
Closing Track: “Her Majesty”
Speaking of glorified, we will never understand why the most revered band of all time chose to close its last studio recording with 25 seconds that we will never, ever get back. Honestly, the song is too long and should’ve been edited down into nothing via Maxwell’s Silver Hammer right from the get-go. Her Majesty (R.I.P., but not really) may have been a pretty nice (and slightly racist) girl in the 1960s, but this song is a stinker. It’s just isn’t fucking good or fucking funny, and stands out in the worst way as the previous sixteen tracks showcase incredible growth, musicianship and melodies for The Fab Four. Fuck The Beatles. The End.
3. Boyz II Men “II”
Closing Track: “Yesterday”
Back to The Beatles, the true Fab Four consisting of brothers Nathan and Wanya Morris, Shawn Stockman, and a dude with a cane put their own shitty stamp on the most covered song of all time, The Beatles’ snoozer “Yesterday”. We have one word to ask on bended knee, “Why?” No thank you!
4. Green Day “Dookie”
Closing Track: “All By Myself”
We’re coming clean here: Bonus/hidden tracks count as the true closing tracks of an album. Don’t @ us. And seriously, isn’t one song about masturbation (“Longview”) enough for this record? Don’t answer that. Oh yeah, did we mention, Tre Cool should just beat other things (the drums) and shut his fucking mouth.
5. Green Day “Warning”
Closing Track: “Macy’s Day Parade”
WARNING: TRIGGER ALERT. Green Day chose to end its most ambitious album (at the time) via a Macy’s corporate sponsorship. We heard that they took a seven-figure check for said endorsement; bitches. Talk about some sell-out shit and a pop disaster. Punk rock sadly died in a pool of blood, sex, and booze via Green Day’s second mention in this brilliant piece.
6. Jimmy Eat World “Clarity”
Closing Track: “Goodbye Sky Harbor”
Jimmy Eat World’s most revered album ended with an ambitious sixteen-minute-and-eleven-second song named after a stupid goddamn airport. Many (privately, of course; you don’t want to disrespect anything off of “Clarity” publicly or the emo gods will harm you and yours) scoff at the song’s long length, but we honestly think that it works as a demo that could have been extended. Honestly, the track should have had more bleeps and bloops for at least sixteen more minutes. Then the album wouldn’t have gotten them dropped from Capitol Records and we could’ve avoided the fucking middle.
7. Jud Jud “X the Demos X”
Closing Track: “X Turn Around Song X”
FYI: Compilation albums count too, especially ones from the beautiful and righteous state known as Florida! This series of hardcore 7” morphed into one monumental and sterling eight-minute-and-fifty-three-second album that transcended what an a capella straight edge music power duo could truly rise to. Subsequently, Jud Jud would never receive the mainstream success that it so desperately craved. We solely blame “X Turn Around Song X,” a schlocky shitbag uninspired wreck of a song that cancels out the eight brilliant compositions that came before it. Seriously, just listen to its lyrics! What a divebomb. No tolerance for instruments over here.
8. Semisonic “Feeling Strangely Fine”
Closing Track: “Gone to the Movies”
Why the fuck did Semisonic choose to close this platinum release with this corny little ditty and NOT the anthemic and gorgeous “Closing Time”? Fastball should totally beat their asses.
9. The Suicide Machines “Battle Hymns”
Closing Track: “Jah”
“Jah” is the only song in Detroit’s ska-punk warriors’ catalog that is even stupider than their actual fucking band name. For a frame of reference, The Suicide Machines’ epic three-second ballad “Punck” from this same album is practically “Bohemian Rhapsody” when one compares it to “Jah.” Also, “Punck” should get more public love for its bold and unapologetic statement of defiance to the masses. We are not sure exactly how much Hollywood Records spent on the production, mixing, and mastering of Battle Hymns’ final track “Jah,” but we know that the band will never recoup one second of the four-second butt-stain, let alone the entire tune.
10. Weezer “Pinkerton”
Closing Track: “Butterfly”
This one is gonna ruffle some wings, but we did what our body told us to. Weezer’s commercial and critical sophomore LP failure known as “Pinkerton” eventually became their most revered record, but it never would have bombed so glamorously if the album closed out with its second-to-last song “Falling For You.” Even the band’s reclusive singer Rivers Cuomo knows that song is truly whack, and he croons it apologetically thrice at the song’s end, showcasing that he is more than self-aware that he shat the bed with this one.