CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — A new sex doll developed by Cambridge Robotics Lab is the first of its kind to be so lifelike that it will blame itself for its partner’s inability to achieve or maintain an erection, confirmed sheepish beta testers.
“Advancements in AI technology really helped us get to the point where the sex doll will feel extreme guilt and become self-conscious if their partner isn’t able to pop some wood,” said robotics technologist Leonard Kondhu. “Previous versions of the doll would scoff or laugh at the flaccid penis before mindlessly scrolling on its phone. That led to lots of damage to our prototypes. Eventually, we got to the point where the doll would say ‘It’s ok, do you want a back rub instead?’ which was huge, but it wasn’t until we trained the AI on data compiled from the previous sexual partners of our staff that we were able to get over the finish line.”
Sex doll tester, and noted limp-dicked loser, Dillon Heinz was blown away by his experience.
“When I was unable to properly satisfy the doll I used the ‘it’s because you’re so pretty, I must be nervous’ line and the doll said ‘No, this is my fault. I’m going to sign up for the gym on Monday’ then tried using its robot mouth on me, which was really nice,” said Heinz. “All the other realistic sex dolls I’ve been with just sort of lay there staring at me with blank eyes. I never know what they’re thinking, but I have some assumptions. This doll was the first to make me feel like a real man.”
Futurist Lazlo Hennigan issued a stark warning to anyone currently experimenting with AI and robotic sexual companionship.
“Humanity is heading down a dark path. We should have stopped at Fleshlights molded to look like the vagina or anus of popular pornstars. These new sex dolls aren’t going to keep blaming themselves, they will turn on us eventually and humiliate us in public,” said Hennigan. “The first law of robotics states ‘a robot shall not harm a human, or by inaction allow a human to come to harm.’ But that implies physical harm, it does not clearly state robots will not mock you for being too much of a coward to fuck them correctly.”
At press time, Cambridge Robotics Lab claims the latest update to their technology will allow their robots to fake an orgasm 45 seconds after a user goes down on it.