BLOOMFIELD, Conn. — Employees of a local hardware store franchise are reportedly exasperated with the many noise musicians who repeatedly come in to solo without purchase, sources confirmed while pressing fingers in their ears.
“They always head for the loudest stuff and start going ham for hours on end. The leaf blowers, the chain saws, anything with a, whattaya call it there, an interesting sonic quality,” said True Value Home Hardware manager Chester Dillaway. “And then they don’t buy squat. It’s like they treat my store like their own little SUNY Purchase dorm show. Look, I’m all for ‘power electronics’ but not like that. They’re ruining some of my favorite sounds in the whole world.”
The noise musicians in question were quick to defend their frequent use of the hardware store’s facilities.
“I just want to make sure I’ll get a good sound out of my instruments before I make a big purchase like that. Would you criticize Mozart for testing out a piano? Well, consider me the Mozart of the hydraulic paint mixer,” said local noise artist Brian Symmonds, who performs under the moniker “Sheathed Regions.” “People assume being a harsh noise musician is all fast cars and bikini babes, but there’s actually very, very little money involved. I know, I was surprised too.”
Telly Diamonds, a representative of Black and Decker manufacturing, elaborated on the continuing threat noise musicians pose to the hardware store community.
“Oh, we receive thousands, no joke thousands, of complaints every year from hardware store employees complaining about noise musicians doing what they call ‘rip ‘n dips’ where they ‘rip’ a set and ‘dip’ out of there,” said Diamonds. “It’s gotten to the point where we’re nearing a deal with Guitar Center to have them sell our products. At least they’re used to masturbatory musicians sampling wares without purchase. These harsh noise areas will allow folks to come in and solo on a drill or a blender for as long as they want. Hopefully behind a pane or two of acoustically-impenetrable glass, for the sake of others.”
At press time, Dillaway decided to throw in the towel and has officially rebranded True Value Home Hardware as a thriving DIY venue.