PALM BEACH, Fla. — The Chair of the Sunbeam Ridge Homeowners’ Association Committee On Livability and Neighborhood Aesthetics once again ordered Glenn Danzig to remove his unseasonal Halloween decorations, persnickety sources confirmed.
“October is over, and Mr. Danzig’s spooky little ghouls and skeletons clearly violate HOA Bylaws section 3, subsection H, paragraph 4, line 6, clause 2,” complained Chair Beverly Anderson. “Normally, I can enforce the rules by giving people dirty looks or calling them ugly and poor on Nextdoor, but this guy doesn’t seem to give a shit what anyone says about him. Instead, I’m forced to write this fastidious 17-page letter threatening financially devastating lawsuits, and his response was simply ‘my lawyers will beat the shit out of your lawyers.’ We politely asked him to install more seasonal decorations like something for St. Patrick’s Day and he added a decapitated leprechaun to his lawn, this is getting out of hand.”
And while the punk and metal legend reluctantly agreed he might be in technical violation of HOA rules, he displayed limited regard for the feelings of his neighbors.
“This used to be a nice place to live. I could bitch about how kids today are dumb and weak, and everyone would invite me to dinner and want to be my friend,” said Danzig in between writing cat litter reviews on Amazon. “I thought I finally found a place where I fit in, but apparently my Halloween stuff being up five seconds after some arbitrary deadline is too much for these crybabies to handle. At least once a week, Meg lets her little Shih Tzu do a GG Allin impersonation on my front lawn, but you don’t see me whining to the HOA Committee about dog shit. And it’s almost time to put up Halloween decorations again anyway, so get over it already.”
Real estate professionals were unsurprised to learn of the dispute between Danzig and Sunbeam Ridge.
“This kind of disagreement happens all the time,” warned veteran Realtor Sandra Buckingham. “An HOA is like an HR department, only way more trivial and annoying. They have more power than Ticketmaster and as much impunity as the cops. There was an incident in Paso Robles last year where members of an HOA beat a resident half to death because they painted their mailbox a different shade of green. Be careful where you buy your forever home.”
At press time, The HOA Committee On Noise Pollution was in court seeking an injunction to prevent Danzig from covering songs recorded by Elvis.