WASHINGTON — A new study by climate scientists within the hardcore scene revealed the motherfuckers in the back will almost certainly be underwater by the year 2038.
“This is not a question of if, it is a question of when,” said lead researcher Dr. Know. “The data before 1977 is spotty at best since no one bothered to write any of this shit down until at least 1983. Even with limited data, the pattern is clear. Those motherfuckers were bone dry in 1983, but five years later, your 20-eyelet Doc Martens were completely soaked. The next time you turn around, those motherfucker could be gone. God only knows where the fuck Glenn Danzig is, that guy has probably been underwater for at least 10 years.”
Not everyone is on board with the science behind the study including climate change denier Terry Harken.
“Those hardcore motherfuckers think they’re so god damn smart. They’ve been saying this shit for years and we’re not buying it. Yeah, a few motherfuckers are getting a little damp, but that’s how it goes when you choose to stand like a post in the back. The water rises, but it’ll reside, it’s all a natural cycle,” said Harken. “Remember the 90’s? The posers flooded every show, but all the people that built the scene stayed. We’re not going anywhere it’s time for these scientists to quit the spoken word bullshit and get back to thrashing our faces off.”
Texas politician Beto O’Rourke recently spoke about his experiences in the hardcore scene and has voiced his support of the motherfuckers in the back; diving headlong into efforts to combat climate change in the scene.
“This is a two-fold problem and it will require a multifaceted solution. Even though we’ve already reached a state of alert, our first step must be to slow the rise by fixing venue toilets and leaks in the roof. This is by no means a perfect fix, but for the sake of future motherfuckers, we have to try,” said O’Rourke. “Secondly, we need to do something to mitigate the growing disaster we’ve all created. We will have to get creative and do this D.I.Y.; only so many people can sit on a mixing board, hang from a PA speaker, or be a stage potato. We need to get cinder blocks and milk crates to the back soon or the consequences are clear.”
Punk legend Greg Graffin was asked to comment on the growing problem, but apparently, his Ph.D. is in evolution and he “doesn’t know shit about climate change.”