MUNCIE, Ind. — A local man’s brush with death after drunkenly falling from a third-story balcony on Tuesday inspired him to quit drinking for the rest of this week, according to sources who witnessed the incident.
“Almost dying was exactly the incentive I needed to quit drinking for the next few days,” said Dave Walden from his hospital bed at St. Mary’s Medical Center. “When you try to control your drinking, your drinking controls you, which is why I’ve decided to get serious and quit cold turkey for an entire business week. I’m technically not allowed to drink on these pain medications anyway, so the timing works out perfectly.”
Walden miraculously suffered only minor injuries after falling three stories into a pile of garbage bags after betting his friends a case of beer that the balcony railing could hold the weight of a grown man.
“As soon as I saw the wood start to splinter, I knew I would never see my security deposit again,” said Derek Harper, Walden’s friend. “It’s crazy to think that if I followed my building’s waste management protocol and took my garbage out to the curb every week instead of letting it pile into a massive heap, Dave could be dead right now. I support his sobriety as long as he comes through with that case of beer he owes us.”
Midway through assessing Walden for signs of head trauma, Kim Lopez, the EMS coordinator on-site was struck with deja vu after realizing she’d evaluated Walden six months earlier in the parking lot of a Buffalo Wild Wings.
“I’m surprised he’s still drinking after the flaming shot incident,” said Lopez. “It looks like the skin on his ear is growing back nicely. Anytime we’re dealing with alcohol-related injuries, we’re required to recommend substance abuse counseling to the victim once they’re coherent, or at least suggest they stop trying to light their drinks on fire.”
At press time, Walden was seen lugging a mostly-full case of beer over to Harper’s apartment.