ROCHESTER, N.Y. —Residents of local punk house The Rot Shop are engaged in a heated debate over the merits of the ragged multi-purpose ottoman that resides in the living room of their shared living space, nauseated sources confirmed.
“I picked this baby up off a curb during bulk-pickup week five years ago, and I can’t imagine life without it,” said Scott Jenkins as he gave the ottoman a hearty pat that released a viscous plume of dust and debris. “When I’m kicking back after a long day of work, the grooves are worn in just right for my boots, and when we have company it’s a great surface for somebody to sink their elbows into for a quick tattoo or dermal piercing. I gave it a proper Scotchguard treatment when I first picked it up, so most drinks, cigarette ashes, and bodily fluids wipe right off onto the floor so we can mop it up later. This living room just wouldn’t be the same without it.”
Despite Jenkins’ enthusiasm, his roommate Michelle O’Keefe wants the doomed footrest destroyed by any means necessary.
“I can’t even walk through the living room without getting hit with the smell of spoiled produce and Skol,” O’Keefe gagged as she even thought of the scent. It’s not even like it ties the room together in any conceivable way. It’s completely black and purple at this point, and I think it was beige when Scott first brought it home. I’m all for being thrifty, but I’m pretty sure breathing in the mold spores this thing releases will give me scabies. It’s only 76 miles to Buffalo, and I’m tempted to strap it to the car and chuck it into Niagara Falls. I’m just afraid that if I say it’s the ottoman or me, Scott will rent my room out to somebody else without hesitation, and I don’t think I can find a cheaper place.
When given a chance to observe the ottoman, interior decorator Dani Antionetti did not parse her words.
“That thing’s gotta go. The bloodstains alone are enough for it to be classified as hazardous waste. I would have suggested reupholstering it with a battle jacket theme full of patches and leatherwork, but this ottoman needs to be removed from this earth by force,” said Antionetti. “I can’t even say in good faith whether or not fire is the best way, because I honestly don’t know what kind of diseases it’s carrying.”
At press time, Jenkins was seen carrying in a soiled rug he found by the loading dock behind Golden Corral.
Photo by Jana Miller.