CICERO, Ill. — Underpaid Target cashier and generally exhausted person Paolo Morte is considering getting into stealing goods from his place of employment after realizing local shoplifters technically make more in one hour than he does in one shift.
“The first time I noticed someone shoplifting, I went to intervene, but stopped when I realized I make $8 an hour and have no health insurance. If this guy had a knife or even just gave me a black eye, I’d have a medical bill that would leave me homeless,” said Morte, a keyholder at his local Target franchise. “It’s an uneasy truce I have with the more regular thieves, but I’m picking up a few inside secrets by just letting them go. I’m thinking I could slowly but surely refurnish my whole apartment if I just grab one thing at the end of every shift.”
One of these “regulars,” Kay Blanchette, stands with the cashiers.
“I’m not saying I don’t have the magic hands to get the job done, but I sure am grateful for these folks who turn a blind eye so that I can get the fancy kombucha,” Blanchette said. “I actually worked as a cashier for about five years before I realized I would have a better quality of life shoplifting most things I own or consume, even with the occasional run in with mall cops — who are entirely willing to accept even the most modest bribe.”
However, employee relations representative Candace Cremini takes a harder stance on her employee’s loss prevention techniques.
“We here at Target pay all of our employees a fair, living wage. The hourly rate for the average worker is enough for one case of eggs, a pack of one-ply toilet paper, and five boxes of delicious Market Pantry Mac n’ Cheese. That is, of course, with the generous 40% employee discount we offer,” Cremini explained. “Frankly, it’s impossible to raise wages when nearly $400 of merchandise walks out the door on a yearly basis. Perhaps if our employees worked a little harder to catch these vicious criminals, we’d be able to inch toward $1.05 more per hour over the next five years, but I guess some people just don’t care about moving up.”
At press time, several young men in inside-out red shirts were carting several large boxes and a bunch of bananas to their cars.