SAN FRANCISCO — The oft-ridiculed snare sound from Metallica’s 2003 album “St. Anger” announced yesterday that it will also run for the U.S. Presidency in 2020, adding another unpopular option to this year’s ticket.
“The ‘St. Anger’ snare sound has considered a serious run for years — it’s been proudly embedded in the vehicles of military officers across the country as well as abroad, and now wants to show it can be the leader of the free world. The biggest obstacle we see is being associated with Lars Ulrich, but polling shows most voters sort of forget who he is,” said campaign manager Ruth Wilson. “The American people don’t just want freedom to ring — they want an overly-compressed clang around 5kH to ring. Snare sound 2020.”
The news of the snare sound’s presidential bid immediately activated some of its harshest critics.
“Metallica’s 90s shit is weak as fuck, but I’d rather have the beefy snare sound from the ‘Black Album’ any day of the week. Do we really want to hear something that sounds like Robocop jerking off every time it does a press conference?” said Bay Area metalhead Vincent “Vinny Smear” Miller. “I had a copy of ‘St. Anger’ for about 25 minutes before I chucked that fucker out the window on the Golden Gate. I’m not out here to defend Trump by any means, but this pool of candidates isn’t making it easy.”
Political scientist Lauren Glifford has studied the elections of the past 30 years, making some astute predictions.
“Whether you like the snare sound from ‘St. Anger’ or not, the reactions it elicits are amongst the most vitriolic and visceral we’ve ever seen,” said Glifford, putting the contents of her desk at San Francisco State University into a cardboard box. “One concerning and very real possibility is that the initial outcry against the snare sound from ‘St. Anger’ will appeal to those looking for a president who exists outside of the accepted political spectrum — it’s how we ended up with Trump’s antagonism and Biden’s apathy, after all. The vote could very easily split that way, leading to an independent to come up through the middle with the trashcan crack of a crumbling future.”
“We’re so fucked,” she added, while turning the lights off and stepping outside her now former office.
The snare sound from ‘St. Anger’ is allegedly already making plans to pass an executive order, making it much harder to “delete that.”