PMA Temporarily Postponed Due to Crushing PMS

BISBEE, Ariz. — Courtney Howard’s otherwise unshakeable Positive Mental Attitude has been temporarily postponed due to crushing PMS, Howard quietly reported from her blanket cocoon earlier today while listening to Mazzy Star and avoiding eye contact.

“My bandmates and I are all about staying positive and focused, and I know our show next week will be great, but right now? I feel like a horrible fraud — a hideous, talentless fraud,” she said, picking Chipotle off her sweatpants. “It’s like this big takeover of my brain… and I just want to stay in bed and cry,” she said, blankly gazing off into the middle distance.

Although Howard is a well-respected musician within her local scene, those close to her know this is not the first time her PMA has subsided due to crippling PMS.

“She is normally up front singing along to every youth crew band that comes to town,” bandmate Krissy Michels explained. “But last night when Crucial Unit played at the Dogpatch she stayed home to eat a log of raw cookie dough and cry while watching Selena. We’ve all been there, ya know?”

According to Dr. Rebecca Morgan, this is a perfectly normal occurrence that even the healthiest and most optimistic women can experience.

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“Many women reportedly notice a decrease in their positive mental attitude near the 18th day of their cycle, which can be triggered by the production of progesterone, estrogen, or someone telling you look tired,” Dr. Morgan explained. “It is not uncommon for women to report symptoms of sadness, lethargy, and irritability when dealing with the same annoying people and situations.”

Although unpleasant, Howard’s condition is not life-threatening, and she is expected to make a full recovery. A source close to Howard shared that her PMA has been tentatively rescheduled for four to seven days from now.

“I just want to pile on with the crew, creepy crawl, and headwalk the shit out of some fools. But right now all I can think about is how the sound guy at our show the other night snapped at me when I asked for more vocals in the monitor. It really hurt my feelings,” Howard said as she discreetly wiped the tears from her eyes. 

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