AUSTIN, Texas – In a blatant display of entitlement, touring band Cheap Shot reportedly demanded legal, minted U.S. dollars — in virtually any form — in exchange for not only the merchandise they had sold, but also for the performance of nine original songs, along with one cover, during a recent show at The Cannery, a local DIY venue.
Dave Osterhout, the promoter of the show and part-owner of The Cannery, was reportedly “shocked” and “appalled” by the band’s “complete disregard” for the socialist values of his local scene.
“So… yeah. We charge $10 to $15 a show, but, man, I swear, all that money goes right back into this place to make it better,” said Osterhout of The Cannery, a venue with a long history of not paying bands. “It really caught me off guard. They thought they could come in here and just start demanding pay for their ‘work.’ That’s why I keep a baseball bat behind the bar, to run these greedy dicks right out of here.”
Cheap Shot, currently in the middle of a Midwestern tour, felt their requests for compensation were very reasonable.
“We came all the way out here from Richmond. All we asked for was a little gas money, and maybe something to cover a run to Taco Bell,” said Kyle Frasier, the allegedly rapacious frontman. “They didn’t even let us have drink tickets. I filled an old plastic two-liter bottle I found in the back of the van with tap water, and I am just hoping for the best.”
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Show attendees also expressed outrage that Cheap Shot expected payment in exchange for parting ways with their merchandise.
“I stream their music on Youtube all the time, and they expect me to pay fucking $3 for a cassette? Yeah, right, buddy. Go back to your gold yachts,” said former fan Landon Davis. “They even had one of those attachments on their iPhones to swipe a debit card. Fucking sellouts. It’s like they don’t even care about the people who support them.”
As of press time, witnesses report Cheap Shot is currently driving with a rapidly-depleting gas tank, hoping to find a Western Union to collect money wired to them by their drummer’s girlfriend.
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