WASHINGTON –– The GOP-led House of Representatives voted on Thursday 217-213 in favor of terminating 24 million pre-existing humans from Earth.
Mr. Ryan then announced to the House that he’s been waiting for years to fulfill his promise of “finally taking care” of those with pre-existing conditions.
“We’ve been trying to address these ‘fully formed humans’ burdening us with their pre-existing beating hearts for so long,” said Ryan, grinning wildly. “It’s a shame, really, because we fought so hard to ensure they were carried to term. But now that term will come to an end.”
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One Republican senator in particular was reportedly “overjoyed” to have finally defeated Obamacare and contributed to the abortion of 24 million pre-existing humans.
“I’ve paid for abortions before, but terminating this many lives at one time is another level. I feel a little light-headed high coming on to be frank,” said Rep. Andy Harris [R-MD]. “We’re just giving the American people what they deserve.”
Some Americans reportedly took matters into their own hands in light of the vote.
“I finally decided to just buy a gun,” said one woman, looking up from her medical bills. “They’re much easier to purchase than health care, and I figure I can just do it all myself at home that way.”
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Article by Sari Beliak @TheCrassCeiling.