BILOXI, Miss. — Local conspiracy theorist and part-time internet gumshoe Leo Chaney recently discovered the long arm of the state had infected his own home when he started to connect the dots in his five-year-old daughter’s Adventures With Peppa coloring book.
“This might just look like an innocuous conglomeration of points on a piece of paper, but if you look closely, you can see there are actually numbers under each of these dots,” Chaney whispered, shooting glances out the window. “Luckily, you are in the presence of the foremost numerologist in the Biloxi tri-county area. It looks like they are using a standard ‘numerical order’ cipherc. Very clever…” he continued, rubbing his chin.
Chaney allegedly concluded that his daughter’s Peppa Pig: Barnyard Fun activity book is an insidious tool of the New World Order when he noticed the points in one “Connect The Dots” puzzle closely resembled the collection of push pins and strings zigzagging across pictures of various pizza establishments on his bedroom wall.
“It just hit me. The shortest distance between two numerically sequential dots is a straight line,” he said breathlessly, his pupils fully dilated. “It didn’t take long before the picture of talking barnyard animals began to take shape — no doubt planted by shadow organizations to subliminally influence my daughter,” Chaney said of the drawing of Poppa Pig.
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“Leo has been on this for days now,” said Melissa Hilden, Chaney’s overly-patient wife. “If it’s not dissecting YouTube videos of Ground Zero or trying to get Alex Jones to re-tweet him, it’s gonna be something. He once stayed up for three days on the ‘Paul is Dead’ subreddit. At least he’s spending time with our daughter with this new one.”
Chaney, not to be deterred, vowed to press on until he gets to the bottom of “Peppa-Gate.” “My house is basically covered in these books, this… propaganda,” he said. “I’m going to start with this Lion King activity book and go from there. I don’t like the look of this warthog.”
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