C leveland, Ohio — As Republican presidential hopefuls prepare for what is sure to be an entertaining debate tonight, progressive senator Bernie Sanders sits comfortably at home, knowing full well that he has already proved to be the premier choice for voters under the age of 18.
A recent Gallop poll of kids hanging outside 924 Gilman Street shows Sanders favored over Hilary Clinton for the democratic nomination by a whopping 43 percent.
“The irrelevant teenage vote is often overlooked by presidential candidates,” said political analyst Patricia Noonan, adding, “Many pundits cite John Kerry’s inability to woo the 11-17 year-old demographic as a key turning point in the 2004 presidential election. Kids just don’t relate to wind surfing how they used to anymore — but Bernie knows that.”
Sanders gained favor with youngsters early on by helping create a punk venue in his home state and by being a liberal senator from a land where adults pride themselves on making ice cream and bead necklaces professionally. Preliminary reports indicate the Bernie Sanders tent at Warped Tour was the most popular attraction at each stop of the event, with countless teens and pre-teens pledging they would vote for Sanders if only the law would allow it.
“The results of these polls are the result of Bernie’s commitment to repairing America,” said Sanders’ campaign manager, Jordan Schursky. “And who cares about America’s future more than a young bar mitzvah boy who has just become a man in the eyes of God but not the state?”
“We all know that Bernie Sanders is going to lose this election,” commentator Noonan added. “But the key is to get these little shitty-diaper-babies on your side before they grow up into cynical, apathetic blobs of Tumblr-educated, age-of-consent garbage. Then you’re guaranteed a vote four years down the road, when the civil drone war is over and the Zuckerberg’s cyborg army has been routed.”
But even with strategy on his side, many agree that Sanders has a long way to go to ensure victory.
“I just hope that cool Vermont son-of-a-bitch doesn’t O.D. on marijuana and gay marriage before the 2020 election,” added Noonan. “Otherwise, the democratic party will be flaunting his dead body around like it was Weekend at Bernie’s III.”
Photo by Fibonacci Blue.