Everyone knows “The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time.” Literally everyone. It’s universally regarded as one of, if not, the best video game of all time. Perfecting what Super Mario 64 started, its combination of gameplay and story makes it the gold standard for RPGs to this day. To add to this greatness, the game incorporates music in a way that had never been done before, thanks to the demi-god and O.G. punk that is Koji Kondo and his never-ending well of theme music.
While the music of the game has been heralded since its release in 1998, we can’t help but think that some of these places in Hyrule would be pretty badass for a show. So bust out your ocarina and grab a handful of odd mushrooms, because we ranked every dungeon based on how well it would serve as a music venue.
We used the Lens of Truth while writing this, so no need to argue with us over the order. It said that the three mini-dungeons don’t count. No one is going to a show in a fucking ice cavern.
9. Inside Jabu-Jabu’s Belly
There was no way this wasn’t going to be the worst venue on the list. You’re inside a literal whale stomach. Not even sure if it’s a whale. It’s some sort of fish god that the other fish people worship that wears a crown and has a belly ache. It’s hard to imagine what the smell would be like in there… probably similar to a crust punk show at a VFW hall on a 95 degree day. Also can’t imagine what type of band would even want to play in such a venue. It screams exclusively gore metal or some shit. No thanks.
8. Ganon’s Castle
Obviously the biggest on the list, this venue is reserved for stadium acts too big to play the small rooms they started out in. It’s close proximity to the downtown area, sitting just outside the city, you have to climb a shit ton of steps to get to where you gotta go (and the higher up you get, the more difficult people are to deal with), and when it’s over, you have to rush out as quick as you can to beat traffic. Not to mention it costs 99 rupees just for a bottle of water. All that to say, not my kind of scene.
7. Water Temple
I’m sure there’s a metaphor in there somewhere about the venue being “underwater” depending on what music you play, but let’s go the less obvious route: this is an EDM festival’s dream site. Think about it… the layout is confusing as all hell, you meet up with your friends as soon as you walk in, only to immediately lose them trying to follow them, and don’t find them again for the rest of the show. Not to mention you’re on so many drugs that you have to battle to suppress the deepest, darkest version of yourself to continue. The irony is that maybe in my younger days that would sound fun to me, but now that I’m an adult, you wouldn’t catch me in this setting at all. Not by a longshot.
6. Shadow Temple
Has there ever been a more obvious goth venue than the Shadow Temple? It’s in a graveyard for Christ’s sake. “What is hidden in the darkness… Tricks of ill will… You can’t see the way forward” “Make my beak face the skull of truth. The alternative is descent into deep darkness.” These may as well be lyrics from The Art of Drowning. What’s worse, the place is run by a bongo player. A fucking bongo player. Even bassists look down on bongo players. Although, not going to lie…how fun would it be to headwalk off a stage across an audience with the hover boots on, only to get to the pit and keep floating on air until you reach the back crowd and continue headwalking?
Honorable Mention: Temple of Time
While not technically a dungeon in the game, we’d be remiss not to mention this absolute specimen of a venue. Think Limelight in the ‘90s. You just know some wealthy Hyrulian with millions of rupees would have bought it and put a techno club in there. A place where all the creatures of the land could come together… Zora, Goron, Kokiri, Sheik, Gerudo, whatever the fuck a Deku Scrub is, all tripping balls partying with one another. That’s the future Hyrule deserves.
5. Forest Temple
Needing some medieval weapon to even access it? Giant skeletons in armor waiting inside to challenge you to a swordfight? Being in the middle of a literal forest? Sounds like a black metal show to me! The venue is even owned by an “Evil Spirit from Beyond” who has pictures of himself on horseback all over the office. You just know that Dimmu Borgir or Goatwhore would tear the roof off this temple.
4. Dodongo’s Cavern
While the giant dinosaur skull in the main entrance room screams metal, this venue feels like it could pull double duty and host a good rap and/or hip-hop show. There’s Lizalfos with knives trying to stab you in multiple rooms and pyrotechnics galore. Where else would you be able to get a “bomb bag,” if you catch our drift? The type of bag you’d need the worlds finest eye drops after. Infernal Dinosaur is the most metal band name ever, while King Dodongo sounds like a member of Wu Tang Clan. Also, Ocarina of Rhyme made a sick remix of No Jumpercables by Aesop Rock using the Goron Village theme.
3. Spirit Temple
Finally, an all ages venue that both kids and adults can go to. This temple is located in the middle of a desert and focuses heavily on the spirit, which kinda feels like a fine place for a Krishnacore concert. Think of Porcell and Cappo as the two witch sisters who run the venue that can only be defeated with a “magical mirror.” Pretty sure Iron Knuckle is a Shelter cover band actually.
2. Fire Temple
This venue is metal as fuck. It’s in a volcano, has a fucking dragon flying around, and you get a war hammer to start fucking shit up with. And above all that… it’s HOT. You need a special fire-resistant hoodie just to get in. There’s even a guy who you’ve met exactly one time in your life who is waiting as soon as you walk in the door calling you his sworn brother. It sounds like every metal show I’ve ever been to. Replace the controversial chanting music of this temple with Dragonforce and no one will bat an eye.
1. Inside the Deku Tree
Ever see a flyer for a house show that says “ask a punk” instead of listing the actual address? The Deku Tree is every punk house you’ve ever been to. There are cobwebs everywhere, a gigantic spider seems to run the entire dungeon, and its owner is on his deathbed after being afflicted by a mysterious illness. On top of that, there is some punk kid blocking the entrance until you can prove your street cred. You can imagine seeing the likes of Discharge or Aus Rotten in the basement where you fight Gohma. In fact, Parasitic Armored Arachnid sounds like a crust punk band if I’ve ever heard one. With wood everywhere, the acoustics would probably be awesome too. If this venue actually existed, it would go down in the history books with the likes of City Gardens and Gilman.
If you’ll excuse me, my owl is here to pick me up. A Gossip Stone told me Drain is playing a free pop-up show at Lon Lon Ranch. Now where did I put those Hover Boots?