PORTLAND, Ore. – Early reports indicate a seemingly innocuous conversation about music uncovered a strange phenomenon late last night, after one man admitted that while he had not heard the band in question, he had heard of them.
Oli Sweeney, a self-proclaimed music expert with an encyclopedic knowledge of bands across all genres, was asked for his thoughts on the folk-punk group “The Bindle Brothers.” While he didn’t claim to be familiar with the group’s music, he was quick to assure everyone within earshot that he was, in fact, aware of their existence.
Witnesses allege that as the night went on Sweeney could only attest to knowing about most basic facets of life, never having actually experienced them.
On the subject of work, Sweeney acknowledged, “Yeah man, I get the basic idea of going to a place, doing a thing, and in exchange receiving currency that is used to purchase goods and services, but… no, I’ve never had a job. Someday maybe I will give it a try, but I just listen to so many podcasts now, I don’t have the time.”
As the conversation deepened, it became increasingly apparent that Sweeney was once again familiar with the concepts, but had never personally experienced them.
“And I’ve definitely heard of love,” Sweeney insisted, “but I’ve, like, never came close to anything that resembles deep human emotion. Ya know?”
When asked how Sweeney relates to his friends, he paused. “Look, I’ve heard all about the concept of empathy,” he finally explained. “It’s just that when I stare into another person’s eyes, all I see is the vacant abyss that is our fleeting existence, and I can’t help but wonder what they’d look like without skin.”
Brad Hart, a childhood friend of Sweeney’s, claimed he was always like this. “Even when we were kids and played games, Oli claimed he had heard of every game. Even the ones we just made up. We were all impressed. But when it was time to pick teams, he’d make an excuse and run home. And I’ve never seen him blink.”
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When he is not bothering people in person with his ill-informed opinions Sweeney reports he spends most of his time at home “catching up on the latest releases.”
“Typically I spend about eight hours a day on message boards hearing of new bands. Most of them fucking suck, I can just tell,” Sweeney divulged. “Someday I hope to get around to listening to some of them.”