Guitarist, Guitar Solo Going Nowhere

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SEATTLE – Fans of local metal band Christ Decay were unmoved Friday night by new guitarist John Hang’s uninspired, meandering solo during crowd favorite “Pissing on the Pope,” a song hailed for its 4-minute long guitar solo. Hang produced a series of technically proficient yet unmelodic and forgettable guitar lines, reminding audience members of Hang’s pathetic personal life and lack of motivation.

Earlier that day, Hang, 38, awoke around 2 p.m. in the same bedroom he’s inhabited for the past 32 years to the sound of his mother vacuuming the living room. Still dressed from the night before, Hang sleepily stumbled down the hallway to the kitchen where he consumed a bowl of Crispix cereal and a glass of orange juice purchased earlier that morning by his mother’s live-in boyfriend Fred, who would later become angry that Hang had eaten his food.

Those in attendance at Friday’s show noted his beautiful vintage Les Paul guitar and the excellent tone produced from his classic Marshall JCM800 amplifier, but were hard-pressed to say anything at all about the 4-minute solo when interviewed.

“He played a solo?” asked attendee Chris Penson. “Oh, that’s right…it was just kind of a bunch of notes played together in rapid succession. It was definitely where a guitar solo was supposed to be in the song, if that counts.”

Following his mid-day breakfast, Hang returned to his bedroom where he did a bong rip and sat on his bed staring at the wall for approximately 40 minutes. Hang then watched a VHS copy of Repo Man, a film he’d previously seen 27 times.

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“Tonight is going to be sick, man,” reported Hang after his third can of PBR. “I like to smoke a little weed before a show to relax myself a bit. I have had a super busy day and I am a little stressed out so getting on stage is going to be a release. Hope these guys are wearing bibs ‘cause I’m going to melt some faces off.”

Following his unremarkable performance Friday night, Hang sat at the bar until it closed at 2 a.m., returned his gear to the rehearsal space, and went home to his bedroom. He fell asleep watching The Fellowship of the Ring for 13th time and awoke the next day at 11 a.m. to Fred yelling about his missing cereal.

Metal Week is a Hard Times production brought to you in collaboration with our friends at Metal Injection and Metal Sucks. Follow along on Twitter with #MetalWeek

Article by Aaron Semer. 

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