BALTIMORE — Promoters of the Dollops of Doom festival canceled the three-day music event at the last minute after weather reports confirmed sunny skies and a pleasant breeze would move into the area over the weekend.
Gunnar Askelson, a spokesman for the festival, released a statement addressing the last-minute cancelation.
“Cataclysm would be the biggest understatement of the year. And I’m not talking about the band Cataclysm — they’re heavy as fuck,” said Askelson. “We’ve been preparing for this festival for months, and all we needed were some storm clouds and maybe even some brutal rains. All we got is sunshine with little to no humidity.”
Fans who already arrived at the festival before cancellation took cover from the sun in makeshift tents made out of battle jackets and branches removed from nearby trees.
“I was at the Doom Your Soul festival in Wichita in ’09, and a tornado literally careened through the campgrounds, sweeping up five people and hurtling them to their deaths. Now THAT was fucking metal,” said avid doom enthusiast Alicia Williams. “What we have here is the sort of sunny day that reminds me of summertime as a child — laughing endlessly, playing until dusk, and a seemingly endless supply of ice cream filling our happy bellies, giving our existence simple meaning and worth. I don’t need that kind of crap in my life.”
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As the day progressed, bands fled the festival grounds, escaping what promised to become an enjoyable afternoon of music and frivolity. Outside of their tour bus, Graham Adams, manager of the band Lugubrious, commented on the perfect weather.
“The boys just didn’t feel the environmental conditions met the standards for maximum devastation,” said Adams. “We’re just going to pop in Requiem for a Dream and roll out to the next gig.”
Patrons of the festival were refunded the full cost of their tickets, and promoters are expected to reschedule the event during the bleak winter squalls of January.
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