Danzig Sues Santa Over Late Gift Delivery

LOS ANGELES — Preliminary paper work was filed in Los Angeles superior court this morning stating that Glenn Danzig is suing Santa Claus over late gift delivery. The news broke this morning after Danzig made a public statement on the courthouse steps, apparently upset about the lack of one very specific gift.

“I want my skulls, Santa,” Danzig said, “I need my skulls.”

Mr. Danzig is no stranger to lawsuits, having famously sued his former band mates over merchandise rights and the Atlantic Ocean for being too cold. But this time, it appears Danzig is really out for blood.

“I have been a good boy this year, a real good boy. I wanted my gifts as soon as I woke up, but they weren’t there at 5 a.m.. This essentially ruined my Christmas, so I will be seeking damages for emotional distress,” Danzig said.

Related: Carrie Brownstein One Punch KO’s Danzig on Set of Portlandia

Speaking through his attorney, Santa Claus responded to the lawsuit, saying, “This is a busy time of the year for me, and obviously not everyone will be happy with the service we provide. But let me be frank: Glenn, if you want your presents on time, then maybe next year you should refrain from hacking the heads off little girls and putting them on your wall.”

Article by The Hard Times Staff

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