AUSTIN, Texas. — Local 13-year-old Tyler Ryan had his Christmas ruined after receiving the most recent Black Flag album “What The…” as a gift. Ryan did his best to pretend he enjoyed the gift, but sources closest to the incident said the young teen was clearly holding back tears.
The gift was labeled: “From: Santa,” but the North Pole released an official statement this morning denying any responsibility.
“Sure, I’ve handed out some coal when the situation called for it, but I would never, under any circumstances, expose a child to this sort of abuse,” Santa said. “I think his mother realized she made a mistake and tried to pass the blame.”
Ryan, who received straight As and resisted the temptation of drugs and alcohol this year, tried his best to make sense of his gift.
“I just – I don’t know what I possibly did to deserve this. I am so sorry for whatever I did and promise to be better next year,” Ryan said.
Barbara Ryan, Ryan’s mother, explained why she was one of the only people to buy this album.
“Tyler always wears that same silly Black Flag T-shirt I got him. Plus this cover looked just like the packaging to those sour candies our dentist keeps telling him to cut back on, so I knew he’d love it,” Ryan said through a grin.
But Mrs. Ryan wasn’t fooling Santa.
“I don’t normally release this sort of information, but little Barbara has been on my naughty list quite a few times over the years,” Santa said. “Don’t let that fucking sociopath fool you. She spent most of her childhood skinning small animals alive.”