I Still Don’t Know Why My Car Is on the Front Lawn

I have been asking myself the same question for the past 18 years. Why is my car on the front lawn?

What could have possibly happened? Does anyone out there have the answer?

I’ve run so many possibilities through my head. Did I drive it there? Why would I drive it there? Did my car grow legs and walk onto the front lawn? The last thing I remember my band was on the top of the world. Guys with baggy pants and girls in crop tops and black lipstick loved us. Our concerts had dirt bikers, goths, AND rappers with upside down visors all pogoing together. We were the quintessential band of 1999.

We even wrote a hit song called, “My Own Worst Enemy” about my car’s unlikely placement.


No, it’s not called, “Please Tell Me Why.” But please do tell me why … why my car is in the front yard.

I thought fame and success would carry me through my darkest days; I thought the sleepless nights would subside. I thought I would no longer have to worry about why my car is on the front lawn. But fame changed nothing. I’ve been spiraling for 18 years and the nagging question remains. I am a man obsessed. I need answers, somebody give me the answers I seek.

WHAT HAPPENED? I’ve run through every possible scenario in my head and still the answer eludes me. Was there an earthquake? Did Bigfoot pick up my precious ’86 El Camino and throw it on the front lawn?

DID OUR LORD, GOD ALMIGHTY, LOOK UPON MY VEHICLE AND DECIDE TO USE HIS INFINITE POWER TO RAISE MY CAR FROM THE EARTH TO REACH ITS DESTINY IN THE FRONT YARD?

Related: 5 Marilyn Manson Songs That HEY FUCK OFF DAD I’M WRITING MY ARTICLES RIGHT NOW

I’ve been a walking nightmare for decades, sleepwalking with my clothes on. Where are my bandmates? How long has it been since they abandoned me? Have they continued the legacy of Lit without me? Living the high life with the likes of Sum-41, Sugar Ray, and Fred Durst?

If anyone reading this has any idea why my car is on the front lawn, please tell me so I can move on with my life. I need to know so I can get back to the rockstar lifestyle I earned by being the guy from Lit.

Could it be related to the things I said when I was drunk?

What did I call you?

I didn’t mean to call you that!

Please tell me!

Please!

Tell.

Me.

Why.

Article by The Guy From Lit

If you have any answers for the guy from Lit, please let him know in the comments below, he’s obviously in a pretty rough place right now.

Hard Style is a lifestyle blog by the people who brought you The Hard Times. You can support us by buying a T-shirt:

Comments