Japanese Open Weight Grand Prix to Include Hungry Kodiak Bear Separated from Cubs

Newly formed Japanese MMA promotion IntenzityXC announced early this morning that its debut show at the Saitama Super Arena will include an open weight grand prix featuring a multitude of MMA legends and a hungry Kodiak bear that has been separated from its newborn cubs.

“IntenzityXC will be the number one name in MMA before the end of the year. Our first show will feature legends like Ricardo Arona, Pedro Rizzo, and Phil Baroni,” said IntenzityXC chairman Misaki Honzo at the promotion’s official press conference. “It will also feature the debut of Nibbs, a 1,300 pound Kodiak bear that hasn’t eaten in days and is desperately searching for her cubs.”

Honzo went on to explain how the promoters can be sure the bear won’t hop the ropes and attack members of the audience and press corps.

“It is simple — the cubs will be in a cage above her opponent’s corner, and we will have animal control on hand with fish to distract her if necessary. We will also have tranquilizers on hand, but if she gets shot with one of those she will be disqualified. IntenzityXC has a very strict anti-doping policy.”

Criticism of the event was almost immediate from fans and members of the media.

“This is just cruel on so many level,” said award-winning MMA journalist Ariel Helwani. “They have Sakuraba matched up against an undefeated heavyweight contender half his age. Saku is a legend and should be given a tune-up fight in his return.”

Nibbs was initially unavailable to comment on her participation in the tournament, but her handlers insist “she is very hungry” and is “literally fighting for her family.”

Open weight grand prix participant Bob Sapp was happy to have the opportunity to once again fight in front of Japanese fans.

“I don’t care if I am fighting Arona or if I’m fighting that bear, I look forward to betting against myself and throwing this fight,” said Sapp before promoting the release of his latest album of love songs.

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