ASHEVILLE, N.C. — A Tinder date at O’Donnelley’s Pub Tuesday evening was reportedly almost too short for a local man to describe every variety of India Pale Ale, a relieved source confirmed.
“I figured there was time to begin with the IPA’s origins in the shipping practices of the East India Company, but in hindsight, I should’ve hurried,” said homebrewing enthusiast and Tinder regular Blake Drudge. “Before I knew it, Cindy [Wentz] wolfed down her salad and was asking for the check… and I hadn’t even gotten to the recent popularity of bourbon barrel aging!”
Restaurant staff confirmed Drudge did, in fact, complete the list, thanks to some skillful maneuvering that allowed him to pull through and “break it all the way down.”
“I told the bartender that he overcharged for our drinks, knowing full well that this would require confirmation from a manager — thereby, creating an extra five minutes to cover the controversy over pumpkin ales. Personally, I think they’ve become way too sugary,” Drudge explained. “Judging by the irritation on Cindy’s face, I could tell she agreed.”
Experts indicate that these occurrences are becoming increasingly common, as technological advances shorten average date times and make intimacy difficult to achieve.
“Dating apps have turned the courtship process into a product we consume in smaller and smaller doses, rather than a road to sustained relationships,” said Dr. Talva Grossman, a professor of sociology at the University of North Carolina. “This process has created a sense of isolation in younger generations… but, also, makes it easier to ghost blowhards who just like to hear themselves talk. So, overall, it’s a wash.”
Despite numerous texts, Tinder messages, and social media requests from Drudge over the past several days, Wentz could not be reached for comment.