Classifieds: Lost Drummer, A Guitar Pick Necklace and Unstable Threesomes

Whether you love livin’ in the city or want a suburban home, get what you need to survive in your local scene.

Wanted

Pittsburgh, PA: “Pornogrind six-piece looking for drummer. We’re already a band, and we already have a drummer, but we’re pretty sure we left her in Omaha. Responds to ‘Clara.’ Skittish, can be aggressive around children. You’ll know it’s her because she can’t do blast beats worth shit. Very interested in the workings of Saddle Creek records. If found, please put on Greyhound to Lincoln.”

Moorhead, MN: “Snow machine. Like the kind they use at ski resorts. Preferably something expensive because I have my dickhead brother-in-law’s pipefitter’s union credit card. We’re shooting a music video and stupid-ass global warming is keeping it from being brutal as fuck. Call (898) 329-9886, ask for Kradnor, and name your price.”

For Sale

Murfreesboro, TN: “Desk from local high school. Anarchy symbol carved into table, metal basket for books still works great, attached chair, seat cracked on one side and metal sticks out so be careful, but otherwise in perfect condition. Asking $10 OBO, serious inquiries only.”

San Luis Obispo, CA: “Guitar pick necklace – $8 OBO. Ryan gave this to me last Valentine’s Day, and I want it out of my life. Ryan, if you’re reading this, I want you to know I think you’re an asshole and a jerk and a liar. Ryan told me I was the only love in his life, and that this necklace was a symbol of his love and commitment to our relationship. And I believed it, like a fool. Well, sorry Ryan, never again. Everything I own that reminds me of Ryan, I want it gone. AND YOUR BAND SUCKS, RYAN.”

Grand Forks, ND: “Baby shoes, never worn. Also a PS2, played too much.”

Curb Alert

Seneca, NY: “My girlfriend threw out all my shit last night. I am currently traveling on tour, so please do not pick it up. Just ignore it. I’ll be back in town on Wednesday night and I’ll deal with it then.”

Laramie, WY: “Bassist got too drunk & Zach had to have the van back by midnight, so we just kinda left him there. First to arrive gets him. Do not contact, will not reserve.”

Personals

Champaign, IL: “WM4M. Looking to bring a lot of unnecessary drama into your life? Enjoy engaging in risky sexual behavior with people who have a history of throwing each other’s shit on the lawn and sleeping with my fucking sister while I was out of town? If this sounds like you, my boyfriend and I are looking for a third to join us in the bedroom. Please send pics. Me: 27, small, brunette, jealous, D&D free. Him: 30, avg. build, insecure, only D free.”

Athens, GA: “W4M. Pretty blue-haired girl searching for depressed, aimless, bashful 20-something male. I know how complex you are, let me be the quirky vessel through which you discover yourself. I also harness the power of my millennial joie de vivre to play Modern Lovers songs on the ukulele.”

Omaha, NE: “M4M. Looking for Conor Oberst. Not someone like Conor Oberst. Conor Oberst. When I got off the bus here I assumed he’d be easier to find. Tim Kasher will do if it comes to it.”

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