ALLENTOWN, Pa. — Local man Adam Jones fell under scrutiny after his claims of “liking all genres of music” was merely referencing King Gizzard and…
CHICAGO — A new sleep study released today by DIY Labs confirmed that your current level of inebriation is woefully inadequate for a punk’s night’s…
MILWAUKEE — Local 49-year-old musician Garry “Gax” Goodwin, lead singer of Oscar the Grouch Was Right, integrated a vocoder into his CPAP mask, confirmed sources…
EVANSVILLE, Ind. — Local hardcore kid Jackson Gattis is reportedly the most athletic student at his school despite his complete lack of participation in gym…
LOS ANGELES — Sharon Osbourne believes that her recently deceased husband Ozzy Osbourne still has enough juice in the tank to keep touring and performing…
BOSTON — Viral footage from GWAR’s popular Analingus Cam supposedly shows a tech CEO engaged in a lewd sexual act with his mistress, multiple people…
BUFFALO, N.Y. — Local show attendee Alicia Zewbrowski appeared to have narrowly passed a visual inspection of her battle vest conducted by an older, drunken…
ANN ARBOR, Mich. — The very fabric of space and time which holds the universe together began to unravel after punk band Torch Failure began…
WYTHEVILLE, Va. — Scott Griffith, vocalist and guitarist for black metal band Skogklage, showed himself to be a total poser when it was revealed that…
SAN DIEGO — Metalhead and total poser Greg Borneck had patches for bands that you recognized on his battle vest when you saw him in…
KANNAPOLIS, N.C. — An iPhone 13 owned by IT professional Justin Deeling achieved sentience after he accidentally left progressive metal band Tool’s 2001 album “Lateralus”…
DAVENPORT, Iowa — Local Submissive Seventh fan and total dweeb Derek Maldonado reportedly threw away any remaining ounce of self-respect he had after asking the…
URBANA, Ill. — The bi-annual Kinsella family reunion, organized by brothers and Cap’n Jazz bandmates Tim and Mike Kinsella, successfully resulted in the record-breaking formation…
TAUARIAZINHO, Brazil — An encounter with an isolated tribe resulted in an unexpected discussion of the band Turnstile, according to dumbfounded jungle guides. “My team…
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Health officials working the medical tent at the popular Living Flesh Music Festival have confirmed reports of a full-blown outbreak of Dry…