Are you inundated by the screams of seagulls outside your house wanting revenge for something you said? Are you worried that a Canadian goose is trying to steal your identity and bed your wife? Have flamingoes cyberbullied your son into repeating the 8th grade? I want you to be calm. Take a long pull of a V8 Splash. Because I am the cosmic jester. I am mother and father. I am the sharpened tomahawk that will stop what’s happening with your bird problem, free of charge.
All you gotta do is make the call, and give me your address. I will find the bus tickets. I don’t care where you are. Just give me three days. All I ask upon arrival, as a gesture of friendship, is to hold your hand out so I can smell it. And from there I will get to work.
Through rigorous training in various zoological studies, under the tutelage of neurolinguistic programming experts, I have honed my skills to tailor a fighting style unique to every bird and situation. Emus only respond to violence, and I will discipline them with my hands, my feet, my mouth, and my lead pipe. Ducks are notoriously paranoid and religious, and through the use of some chemicals and black lights, I will manifest an apparition reflective of their guilt. Even parrots, being social creatures, I can DOMINATE using disguises to create a delicate web of lies and seduction that will blackmail them off of your property.
My motivation is driven by a primordial affection for humanity and a desire to alleviate the burdens that plague daily life. The exercise is invigorating and will help me control my type 2 diabetes. This service is a testament. I FUCKING love you and I will protect you. Just make the call. Tell me where you live. TELL ME WHERE YOU LIVE.