CHICAGO — Local Pavement fan Nathan Matthews added Pavement lyrics to his Tinder profile yesterday, hoping to attract a woman with the same exact hyper-specific…
WILMINGTON, Del. — Local woman Kelly Cruz’s recent unemployment status has her overwatered houseplants praying she finds a job before she drowns them all, the…
CLEVELAND — Cleveland School of the Arts Principal and metalhead educator Ryan Donnavin sent home 7th grader Alex Ramirez yesterday for wearing a Metallica shirt…
GREENVILLE, Miss. — Enlightened musician and your friend Tocarra Yost assured you that you will eventually find the missing capo you’ve been searching for the…
BEDMINSTER, N.J. — President Trump has appointed the once-popular 90s alt-rock band Spin Doctors to lead the country’s coronavirus task force, during an impromptu press…
MINNEAPOLIS — Local good boy Valentino was disgusted and appalled last week after an afternoon at his favorite brewery was ruined, thanks to constant harassment…
CHICAGO — Local punk Kyla Waters has spent the past 24 hours trying to decide if her roommate’s new tattoo either looks nothing like Jack…
HARRISBURG, Pa. — Local man and alleged former drug addict Kyle Drury is “weirdly braggy” about the apparently darkest, most terrifying experience of his life…
NEW HAVEN, Conn. — An artistically noisy altercation between neighbors escalated yesterday when Sonic Youth’s “Confusion Is Sex” was cranked to full volume and used…
MILWAUKEE — Local conscious living creature Katrina Harris, who consists of an intricate assemblage of atoms made of stardust, reportedly failed to pay her rent…
LOS ANGELES — CBS executives announced today the return of “2 Broke Girls” as an OnlyFans exclusive, following the success of previous reboots like “Young…
OBERLIN, Ohio — Supposed radical leftist Kristen Dermitt revealed herself to be a total poser today, wearing a Che Guevara T-shirt despite not being able…
PRINCETON, N.J. — Legendary drugstore playlist rock outfit Blues Traveler were inducted into the “Band You’re Probably Gonna Hear at Walgreens” Hall of Fame yesterday…
DES MOINES, Iowa — An AR-15 semi-automatic rifle started an OnlyFans page for itself last week, the overwhelming popularity of which led to a rash…
BRAUNAU AM INN, AUSTRIA — Fort Wayne, Ind. police officer Audrey Winnet traveled back in time last week to a small town on the Austria/Germany…
