Jesus Tag Archives - Page 4

Tragic: Hot Person Loves Jesus

Alex Salcido • September 2, 2020

PORTLAND, Ore. — Ridiculously attractive man and recent Milwaukee transplant Josh Billingsley left dozens disappointed today after confirming that he…

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Second Coming of Jesus Thwarted by Police

Ramona Apthorp • June 22, 2020

LOS ANGELES — The second coming of Jesus was cut short this past Wednesday when LAPD Ofc. Thomas Andrews opened…

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And When There Was Only One Set of Kills in Duos, That Was When I Carried You

Jeremy Kaplowitz • May 24, 2020

One night I dreamed a team. As I was walking along the storage town with my Lord, Across the dark…

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As Your Vice President, the Question Isn’t Whether We’ll All Die of Coronavirus, but Where We’ll Go When We Do

Zach Russell • March 27, 2020

Our nation is facing the great task of slowing the spread of coronavirus, and many Americans are frightened. Why, I…

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little drummer boy, mary, jesus, christmas

Little Drummer Boy Asks Mary to Borrow House Kit

V.F. Thompson • December 25, 2019

BETHLEHEM, Judea — Three magi arrived at a venue last night for the Christ child shortly after his birth, along…

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Punk Jesus Running About 90 Minutes Late to Rise

Krissy Howard • April 21, 2019

JERUSALEM — Local punk and Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ is reportedly running “an hour late, 90 minutes tops, bro”…

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Bible Scholars Reveal Jesus Christ Played Shit-Ton of Mario Party

CJ Hernandez • August 2, 2018

VATICAN CITY — Bible Scholars have determined that Jesus Christ’s hand injuries, previously thought to have been caused by crucifixion,…

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God Resigns After Discovery of Old Testament

M.J. Amory • July 24, 2018

HEAVEN — Succumbing to public outcry after the shocking discovery of an Old Testament written by Himself, God, the Father…

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Youth Pastor Knows Someone Who Is Pretty Punk Rock, and His Name Is Jesus Christ

Ryan Harnedy • June 18, 2018

IRVINE, Calif. — Youth pastor Doug McCabe casually mentioned yesterday that he had a friend who was “a real punk…

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Frontman Vows Bandmate Will Betray Him During Last Dinner on Tour

Dylan Tarr • April 16, 2017

LANSING, Mich. — The frontman of Christian metalcore band Kiss Me Judas predicted last night that one of his bandmates…

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