Dear America. I know that this country is supposed to be a melting pot where different nationalities and cultures can coexist as one. But sometimes…
HAMDEN, Conn. — A new Quinnipiac University poll suggested that President Trump’s approval ratings hit an all-time high among nine-year-olds whose parents are total dogshit,…
TAMPA, Fla. — Local curmudgeon John McCallister loudly revealed that he believed wheelchair ramps are woke, despite once being capable of love and empathy as…
WASHINGTON — A newly leaked Project 2025 memo revealed a recent revision that would restrict nearly all forms of birth control, with the only approved…
ANOKA, Minn. — A conservative anti-abortion picketer was confused after being unable to convert a single person to his cause, even after picketing at a…
BETHLEHEM, Pa. — Local conservative man and general douchebag Chet Dyker was spotted at a Halloween party this past weekend telling women dressed as sexy…
With this country basically divided into only two camps, I feel like I’m on crazy pills for having a more nuanced outlook on the issues.…
NEW YORK — Vice Presidential candidate Tim Walz recently revealed that he has been practicing for the debate with J.D. Vance by competing against a…
If you’re a Misfits fan, you know you have to pick a side. It’s either “Team Danzig,” or it’s “Team Graves” (because let’s face it,…
DERRY, N.H. — Conservative divorcee and frequent conspiracy forum visitor Ken Doherty claims his lifestyle epitomizes the punk rock ethos, according to sources who follow…
ELLICOTT CITY, Md. — Local resident and supposed Staind fan Brandon Vintner wasn’t even present at the attempted coup on the U.S. Capitol on January…
WHEELING, W. Va. — Local conservative Jerry Wardmore repeatedly stated that Vice President Kamala Harris’ proposed ban on grocery price-gouging is “downright communist” despite complaining…
LOS ANGELES — The newest installment of the classic punk and heavy metal documentary series “Decline of the Western Civilization” will feature a telling look…
BEND, Ore. — Local amateur historian and occasional beloved family member Paul Poppavich vehemently dismisses news of fascism’s rising international tide, despite an encyclopedic knowledge…
MIDDLETOWN, Ohio — Republican vice presidential nominee JD Vance continued to infuriate the nation by claiming that men who are childfree and own tarantulas are…