30. Tom Araya
Pentagrams are kind of cool I guess, but Tom would feel the need to hang one in every single room, including the bathroom above the toilet. It’s going to clash with the mid-century modern aesthetic I’m going for, if I can ever afford furniture like that.
29. Toby Morse
The H2O singer seems like he owns an elaborate skateboarding sneaker collection, so our shoe area is going to be an absolute disaster. I only have one pair of Vans but they’re going to be completely lost among Toby’s mountain of checkerboard slip-ons. Pure anarchy in our foyer.
28. Glenn Danzig
The Misfits singer would paint every wall black while I was out of town for the weekend. While it looks sick at first, we’re definitely not going to get our security deposit back. Thanks, Glenn.
27. Lemmy
Pro: Lemmy likes to party. Con: Lemmy likes to party. It’s a Tuesday and some of us have to work in the morning.
26. Eddie Vedder
Eddie is very amiable, but a little too into recycling. We’re going to need six different waste receptacles, marked general garbage, plastic, paper, cans, compost, and miscellaneous, whatever that means. He’d also constantly be spying on us from around the corner to make sure we were separating trash correctly. Too high maintenance.
25. Paul Banks
The Interpol singer is one of eight people who read all of “Infinite Jest” and even memorized the ISBN to impress people at parties. And while he’s generally neat and tidy, his presence would be a constant reminder that I haven’t finished a book since high school.
24. Jonathan Davis
Jonathan would be a fine option as a roommate, but he’d always ask me to pick up his dry cleaning for him. Turns out, all of his kilts are “dry clean only.” There are only so many favors I’m willing to do with people I live with.
23. Ezra Koenig
The singer of Vampire Weekend would never shut the fuck up about the cinematography in Wes Anderson films, but every Sunday morning he would make a surprise run to his favorite artisan cafe to get everyone croissants. That’s kind of nice, but I’m more of a poppyseed bagel guy myself.
22. Mike Patton
Mike would be constantly trying to start a band with me that’s “like a mix of thrash metal, Joy Division, and Boyz II Men,” despite the fact that I simply do not want to. Roommates should never be bandmates.
21. Tom DeLonge
Tom would always want me to watch movies with extraterrestrials in them with him. Not cool ones like “Alien” and “Predator,” cheesy ones like “Battlefield Earth” and “Species III.” I mean, I like “Mars Attacks” as much as the next guy, but do we have to watch it every Friday night?