Chill Atomic Scientist Sets Doomsday Clock to 4:20
CHICAGO — The Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists shocked the world today with an announcement that their most chill scientist set the Doomsday Clock to 4:20, confirmed sources. “Shit’s mad fucked right now,” explained stoner atomic scientis…
Punk GPS Says You’re Approximately Five Cigarettes From Your Destination
JUPITER, Fla. — A new feature in your vehicle’s GPS now measures distance in the time it would take you to smoke a cigarette, confirmed… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
Environmentalist? This Guy Recycles His Nudes
Major change is the result of millions of seemingly insignificant endeavors converging. As a community, we can minimize waste and conserve natural resources by reducing,… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue this tale</a>
Kid Buying Misfits Shirt to Fit In
POMONA, Calif. — Local kid Garrett Dehaven is buying a Misfits shirt in an attempt to fit in with his peers, which he confirmed during… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
Trump Lowers Ozempic Cost So SNAP Recipients Can Afford to Suppress Appetite
WASHINGTON — Yesterday afternoon in the Oval Office, President Trump announced he would be reducing the cost of Ozempic in order for Americans on SNAP… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
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Music
Black Metal Vocalist Moonlighting as Face Painter “Ruins” Elementary School’s Play Day
BALTIMORE — Black metal vocalist Ben “Plaguebearer” Rockwood wreaked havoc during Wincrest Elementary’s recent Play Day following questionable face paintings he gave to the children, confirmed angered parents. “It’s ridiculous—when your child sits down and asks to get their face…
Attractive Woman on Subway Probably Just Waiting Until the Right Moment to Compliment Your Gorguts Shirt
BOSTON — An attractive woman seated across from you on the subway was probably just…
Paula Abdul and MC Skat Kat Awarded Nobel Prize in Physics for Their Groundbreaking Work In How Opposites Attract
STOCKHOLM, Sweden — Iconic ‘80s pop duo Paula Abdul and MC Skat Kat were awarded…
Goldfinger Lead Singer Clarifies Superman He's Trying to Be is Not the Dean Cain Version
LOS ANGELES — Goldfinger frontman John Feldmann took to Instagram to clarify the band’s seminal…
Band Names Themselves P_Floyd8732486 After Discovering “Pink Floyd” Is Taken
TRUTH OR CONSEQUENCES, N.M. — Local psychedelic rock band P_Floyd8732486 revealed that they arrived at…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…