Trump Softens on GWAR After Learning They Own Slaves
WASHINGTON — A recent federal investigation into the theatrical rock group GWAR regarding their mock execution of Donald Trump on stage has been called off by Trump himself after the President learned that GWAR uses slave labor, sources clo…
The Five Most Horrifying Naked People I Saw on “Real Sex” During That Free Weekend of HBO I Got in 1999
Ahhh, “Real Sex”. Remember that show? No? Well, you just weren’t lucky enough to have Comcast randomly gift your household a free weekend of HBO… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
Why You Shouldn’t Assume That Everybody With a British Accent Is a Transphobic Children’s Book Author
Nation’s Bosses Announce Plans To Call You on Teams the Second You Sit Down To Take a Shit
DETROIT — The nation’s bosses have announced their plan to call you on collaboration platform Microsoft Teams the second you sit down on the toilet… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
Punk Findom Bullies Men Out of Their Cigarettes
DETROIT — Punk financial dominatrix Sierra “Piss” Richardson nearly doubled her clientele in three days after pivoting to bullying area punks out of their cigarettes,… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue reading this gem</a>
Casino Throws Out Old Money at End of Day
Oh, You’re a Buckethead Fan? Name Three Items on the KFC Menu
Hey you. Yeah, you with the Chicago Bulls jersey and the nunchucks doing what looks like a robot dance. And is that the game “Clue”… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue this tale</a>
Music
Riot Fest Drafts Preemptive Morrissey Cancellation Tweet
CHICAGO — Organizers of Riot Fest have reportedly drafted multiple social media updates in the likely event Morrissey, prolific songwriter and former frontman of the Smiths, will cancel as the September concert nears. “Knock on wood, I guess, but as…
Sociologists Confirm Childfree Women Who Like Bob Seger Technically Daddies
CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Top sociologists at Harvard University revealed that childfree women who like Bob…
Wistful Tom Delonge Reflects on ‘Pahhseeng of Toime’
SAN DIEGO — Blink-182 co-founder and co-lead vocalist Tom Delonge was recently spotted at Balboa…
Drummer Using Other Band's Drum Throne Lines It With Toilet Paper
PATCHOGUE, N.Y. — Jake Stamberg of local metal outfit A Stance Defiant borrowed fellow drummer…
Concert Sponsored by Spotify Lets Premium Ticket Holders Skip Songs They Don't Like
NEW YORK — Spotify debuted a live concert concept where premium ticket holders can skip…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…