Punk’s Best Anecdote Very Similar to Sober Friend’s Rock Bottom Story
KINGSTON, N.Y. — Local tattooist Eddie Greer’s proud tale of drunken excess bears a close resemblance to his friend’s worst night, according to mutual friends. “So this one night, I pregamed for a house show with Fireball whiskey. I gues…
We Sat Down to Discuss Strategy with Longtime DNC Strategists Ned Flanders’s Parents
As the United States descends further into fascistic chaos, the American people continue to look to their elected leaders to enact policies that will prevent… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue this tale</a>
Zohran Mamdani Announces Plans for Free Tour Buses for Shitty Dive Bands
Stephen Miller to Receive $1488 Christmas Bonus
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced plans for Stephen Miller to receive a Christmas bonus of $1488, confirmed sources. “They say there’s a nice list… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue this tale</a>
We Sat Down With the Ghostwriter of Trump’s Touching Eulogy To Rob Reiner
When you enter the world of politics, you are no longer just a person; you’re a brand. Everything you say publicly has to match that… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue reading this gem</a>
Brave! This Care Bear Just Added ‘Ethical Non-Monogamy’ to His Belly Badge
Opinion: You Can Be a Progressive and Still Hunt the Homeless for Sport – Guest Column by Gavin Newsom
My name is Chief Bob’s Big Boy in Charge of Things — Gavin Newsom. I’m writing this op-ed currently and with great intentions to talk… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
Stay in the Know
Music
Ken Burns' ‘History of Grindcore’ 12 Seconds Long
ARLINGTON, Va. — PBS surprised viewers that a new documentary from acclaimed documentarian Ken Burns titled “History of Grindcore” clocked in at exactly 12 seconds, producers have confirmed. “As much as I am in love with the rich tapestry of…
Headset Microphone on Drummer Mostly Picks Up Heavy Breathing
ATLANTA — The Howling Goons’ plan to let their drummer assume extra vocal duties backfired…
So-Called Deicide Fan Gets Into Heaven
HEAVEN — Brock Sterling, a recently deceased metalhead and supposed fan of legendary death metal…
Band Photo Features Shirts of Four Better Bands
TORRANCE, Calif. — Up-and-coming hardcore band Loaf High are fending off critics after releasing a…
Puscifer Fan Shocked to Learn Vocalist Has Side Band
MINNEAPOLIS — Noted Puscifer fan and parolee Peter Schwartz recently learned the vocalist of his…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…