Four Other Empires That Collapsed Because a Washed-up Real Estate Developer Was Desperate for Attention
It’s obvious that we are living in fraught times for our beloved Republic. Now is a perfect opportunity for us to look to comparable moments in human history, not for a solution, but for commiseration, because let’s face it: we completely f…
Overly Ambitious Promoter Books Mixed Genre Show With Three Hardcore Bands, Full Production of “The Phantom of the Opera”
FORT WAYNE, Ind. — Local promoter Trent Lyons combined a reasonably curated three-act hardcore bill with a full touring production of “The Phantom of the… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
Horrified Son Finds Dad’s Hidden Stash of 2000s Streetwear
LOS ANGELES — Local 16-year-old Nigo Pastolero was horrified to find his software developer father’s secret stash of 2000s-era streetwear in their attic, sources verified…. <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue this tale</a>
Florida Child Bullied for Being Only One in Class Without Whooping Cough
TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Fourth grader Stevie McLaughlin became the class loser for being the only student without a nasty case of whooping cough, confirmed sources… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
Trump Reverses Stance on Epstein Files After Being Visited by Three Pedophile Ghosts
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump is now urging republicans to vote for the release of the Epstein files, following a night of revelations in which… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
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Music
Wellness Check Called on Members of King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard After Two-Month Gap with No New Album Released
MELBOURNE, Australia — Concerned fans of psychedelic rock outfit King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard, best known for their succinct name and frequent album releases, called the police to do a wellness check after the band went two whole months…
The Five Best Randy Newman Songs To Fuck To
Everyone appreciates Randy Newman’s signature voice as it conveys sardonic song lyrics set to classically…
Metal Bassist with Throat Infection Promoted to Lead Singer
CHICAGO — William Hopper, the bassist for local metal band Cannibal Buffet, was abruptly promoted…
Punk Air Guitarist Air Overdoses on Air Heroin
SARASOTA, Fla. — Beloved local air guitarist Lance DeStefano is recovering after overdosing on imaginary…
London Awards Charli XCX Key Bump to the City
LONDON — The City of London has awarded longtime resident Charli XCX the Key Bump…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…