Quiz: Cannibal Corpse Song Title or Stephen Miller’s Pornhub Search History?
Cannibal Corpse is an awesome death metal band from Buffalo, New York, that made a name for themselves in the nineties with their grotesque song lyrics and album art, while Stephen Miller is perhaps the most obvious sexual sadist who’s ever…
Guy Wearing T-Shirt With Blazer Probably Some Kind of Cool Creative Genius
VANCOUVER, British Columbia — A local man who coupled a T-shirt with a blazer must be an absolute creative genius, according to passersby who marvelled… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue this tale</a>
Local Subway Celebrates 5th Anniversary, 2nd Customer
Report: Hearing ‘One Way or Another’ Still Best Indicator That You’re Involved in a PG-Rated Movie Chase Scene
ROCHESTER, Minn. — Researchers at the Mayo Clinic concluded that hearing Blondie’s 1978 hit “One Way or Another” is still the best indicator that you… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
“I’m About To Be So Annoying” Announces Person Who Was Already Annoying
SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Local insufferable man Mitch Roberts announced recently that he was “about to be so annoying,” a sentiment confusing to those around him… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
L’Oreal to Only Test Makeup on the Ugly Rabbits That Need It
Trump to Guest Star on Upcoming Episode of “The Pitt”
BURBANK, Calif — President and part-time actor Donald Trump will make a guest appearance on an upcoming episode of medical drama “The Pitt”, according to… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
Music
Anthropologists Discover Uncontacted Metal Subgenre
STOCKHOLM, Sweden — Leading musical anthropologists announced that they have discovered a previously uncontacted metal genre, confirmed sources. “I was exploring through Sweden, trying to find where those gummy fish come from,” said anthropologist Dr. Erin Weir. “As I’m wandering…
Groupie Upgrades From Bassist to Merch Guy
SEATTLE — Local groupie Ellie Winterman made a significant quality-of-life change by deciding to sleep…
Local Man Basically the Next Elvis if You Only Count the Abusing Adderall on the Toilet Part
PROVO, Utah — Local man Adam Kerman was excited to learn that he’s basically the…
Report: Hearing ‘One Way or Another’ Still Best Indicator That You’re Involved in a PG-Rated Movie Chase Scene
ROCHESTER, Minn. — Researchers at the Mayo Clinic concluded that hearing Blondie’s 1978 hit “One…
Metallica Fans Now Choosing Between Fuel, Fire, and That Which They Desire Due to Trump Economy
BARSTOW, Calif. — Metallica fans across the nation are feeling the pinch of the Trump…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…