Heroic ICE Agent Recovering in Hospital After Near-Fatal Jerk Sesh
MINNEAPOLIS — An ICE agent is reportedly resting comfortably in hospital and expected to make a full recovery after an intense and reportedly near-fatal masturbation session earlier this week. “Our thoughts and prayers are with Todd Unde…
Absolutely Tragic: This Man Is So Distracted From the Epstein Files He’s Forgetting Details of Ghislaine Maxwell’s Face
It’s an open secret that the Trump administration’s recent escalation in the pace of its fascist agenda is in part an attempt to distract from… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Get the full story</a>
Man Will Kill One Hostage an Hour Until His Friends Give Ween a Chance
Humiliating: Noise Artist Forgets To Tune Vacuum Cleaner Before Live Set
ROUND ROCK, Texas — Noise artist Ronny Sours made the unforgivable mistake of forgetting to tune his vacuum cleaner before taking the stage at his… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
Erika Kirk Takes Quiet Moment To Mourn With Only Six Confetti Cannons
PHOENIX, Ariz. — A somber Erika Kirk took a quiet, personal moment to mourn her late husband with only six confetti cannons, confirmed sources. “I… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue this tale</a>
Dio Hologram Already Refusing To Open for Upcoming Ozzy Hologram
Jonathan Davis Hired to Teach CIA Agents How to Control Bullets Through Scatting
LANGLEY, Va. — The CIA hired Korn frontman Jonathan Davis to teach operatives how to control bullets through scatting following the President’s chance viewing of… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
Music
Bob Weird Dead at 78, According To Autocorrect
SAN FRANCISCO — Bob Weird, a founding member of the Grateful Dead, died at age 78 yesterday, according to autocorrect. “There is no Grateful Dead without Bob’s guitar. He was in it from the beginning, all the way back to…
Man Will Kill One Hostage an Hour Until His Friends Give Ween a Chance
BUFFALO, N.Y. — A local disturbed man took bankgoers hostage and threatened to execute one…
Humiliating: Noise Artist Forgets To Tune Vacuum Cleaner Before Live Set
ROUND ROCK, Texas — Noise artist Ronny Sours made the unforgivable mistake of forgetting to…
Guy Won’t Shut the Fuck up About Being Vegan and Also About Being Moby
LOS ANGELES — A guy overheard talking outside of a local coffee shop refused to…
Ian Mackaye Accused of Selling Out After Listing Old Mattress on Facebook Marketplace
WASHINGTON — Discord Records co-founder and legendary punk frontman Ian MacKaye is facing accusations of…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…