Hegseth to Personally Test Erection Strength of Each Soldier
WASHINGTON — U.S. Secretary of War Pete Hegseth announced that he is rolling out a new program to ensure that the military is at its “absolute best” by personally checking the erection strength of all servicemen over the age of thirty, acco…
Plot Twist: Shirtless, Jacked Mitch McConnell Emerges From Seclusion “Ready To Fuck”
WASHINGTON — In a stunning upset to rumors that he was dying, if not already dead, Senator Mitch McConnell appeared in public today sporting an… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
Man Who Lived Fast, Died Young Leaves Surprisingly Ugly Corpse
If I Had a Time Machine I Would Go Back to WWII, Find Hitler, and Perform “Ice Ice Baby” – guest post by Vanilla Ice
A lot of motherfuckers got something to say about me performing at the Freedom 250 concert, so I’m here to set the record straight once… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Get the full story</a>
Donald Trump Accuses China of Shitting His Pants
WASHINGTON – President Donald Trump has accused China of shitting his pants in addition to interfering in the 2020 presidential election, repulsed sources report. “After… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
Heart Reveal They Were Challenged To Name Five of Their Own Songs Before Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction
Oh, You’re a Buckethead Fan? Name Three Items on the KFC Menu
Hey you. Yeah, you with the Chicago Bulls jersey and the nunchucks doing what looks like a robot dance. And is that the game “Clue”… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Get the full story</a>
Music
Hardcore Version of ‘Surrounded’ Features One Henry Rollins vs. 20 Henry Rollins
NASHVILLE — Henry Rollins will square off with 20 Henry Rollins in the next episode of Jubilee Media’s hit YouTube series “Surrounded,” sources confirmed. “This episode will take Henry Rollins’s famous one-man, spoken word shows to a whole new dimension:…
Heart Reveal They Were Challenged To Name Five of Their Own Songs Before Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction
CLEVELAND — Classic rock band Heart revealed that they were challenged to name five of…
Drummer Not Interviewed
GRETNA, La. — In an interview with pop-punk quartet Nuevo Leon, rock journalist Sophia Tang…
Kerry King Inspires Man to Uselessly Fuck Around on Guitar for 40 Years
WESTMINSTER, Md. — Slayer guitarist Kerry King reportedly inspired local man Evan Tremont to uselessly…
Angine de Poitrine Ask Opener If They Have a Double-Necked Microtonal Guitar/Bass They Can Borrow After Gear Stolen
SEATTLE — French-Canadian experimental rock duo Angine de Poitrine scrambled to find replacements for their…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…