Robert Kraft Demands Macklemore Be Removed From Playlist at Favorite Sex Trafficking Spa
JUPITER, Fla. — Human rights champion and all-around good guy, Robert Kraft, responded to Macklemore’s controversial pro-Palestinian views by demanding the artist’s music be removed from the playlist at “Sakura Dreams,” the business mogul’s…
Pharmacists Recommend Having Three Months’ Worth of Meds From Other, Imaginary Pharmacy Where They Let You Do That
LOS ANGELES — Pharmacists in the state of California have made a sweeping recommendation to have three months’ worth of medications, but to be sure… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
Total Lightweight Not Keeping Personal Demons to Himself
Donald Trump Downplays AI Risk by Claiming It’s Much Lower Than the Risk of Being Sexually Assaulted by Donald Trump
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump responded to recent concerns about rogue artificial intelligence by claiming its risk is dwarfed by that of being sexually assaulted… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
We Can’t Remember if Steve Buscemi Saved People on 9/11, Died During 9/11, or Committed 9/11 but Here’s a Photo of Steve Buscemi and 9/11
For most Americans reflecting on the 25th anniversary of 9/11, thoughts turn to the victims of the terrorist attacks and what we’ve learned as a… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
Democrats Pass Anti-Flock Camera Bill Mandating All Flock Devices Wear Body Cameras
Hegseth to Personally Test Erection Strength of Each Soldier
WASHINGTON — U.S. Secretary of War Pete Hegseth announced that he is rolling out a new program to ensure that the military is at its… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue this tale</a>
Music
Mick Jagger Assures Concerned Fans He’s Still Super Horny at 83
LONDON — The Rolling Stones’ venerable frontman insisted he’s as horny as ever during a press stop for their new album, according to nauseated reporters. “Apparently there are some slanderous allegations floating around claiming my signature libido is diminishing now…
Italian Nu-Metal Singer Does It All for the Gnocchi
ROME — Italian nu-metal singer Frederico Durstino from the band Limpico Bizcotti needs his fans…
GWAR Accused of Using AI Cum in New Video
RICHMOND, Va. — Intergalactic degenerates GWAR have come under fire recently for allegedly using generative…
Tipper Gore Admits She Only Started the PMRC Because She Was Denied a Backstage Pass at a Judas Priest Show
MONTECITO, Calif. — Former second lady of the United States Tipper Gore admitted that she…
Study Confirms Driving 30 Miles Over the Speed Limit While Smoking Marlboros and Listening to Motörhead Fucking Rules
GLASGOW, Mont. — An independent study by townie Clint McClusky revealed nothing in life fucks…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…