Trump Fires Noem, Nominates Markwayne Mullin To Fuck Corey Lewandowski on Luxury Jets
WASHINGTON — President Trump will be firing Secretary of Homeland Security and nominating Oklahoma Senator Markwayne Mullin to take over all of her duties, including having sex with advisor Corey Lewandowski on taxpayer-funded luxury jets, …
9 Tax Prep Tips That Will Drive Your Seasonal Depression Into a Place Beyond Repair
This year’s tax season is tapping you on the shoulder whilst you live through not just December, but also the detrimental impacts of global warming… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
How To Determine Your Self-Worth by Checking How Many of Your Instagram Friends Are Tied to Semi-Well-Known Public Figures
Five Underrated Death Metal Albums You Might as Well Discuss in This Job Interview Since They’re Clearly Not Going To Hire You
Oh shit, this interview is not going well. As soon as this guy used the phrase “income statement”, you knew your decision to embellish your… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
MAGA Releases Anti-Woke Mad Libs With All Pronouns Replaced by Racial Slurs
JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Local MAGA Republican Richard Goiter released a new conservative version of Mad Libs where all pronouns have been replaced by racial slurs,… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
Man Breaks World Record for Most Failed Attempts at ‘The Artist’s Way’
Warped Tour Releases 2026 Lineup With Redacted Names To Protect Victims
LONG BEACH, Calif. — The eagerly anticipated 2026 lineup for Warped Tour was released with a number of the band names redacted to protect victims,… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Get the full story</a>
Music
Prodigy Punk Toddler Can Already Count to 1, 2, 1 2 3 4
SEATTLE — Local toddler Piper Huga brought pre-k class to a halt this week after counting to 2 then 4 with a very specific rhythm, sources regularly reported by the school for vagrancy confirmed. “We’re shocked that Piper knew not…
Diarrhea Planet Apologize for Making Good Music After Naming Their Band That
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Garage punk band Diarrhea Planet issued an apology for releasing good music…
New Aaron Lewis Album Crowdsourced From r/Conservative
WORTHINGTON, Mass. — Country musician and patriot cosplayer Aaron Lewis admitted this week that he…
Mirror in Venue Bathroom Fucking Useless
LONG BEACH, Calif. — The mirror in the men’s bathroom of local venue Harlux is…
Billy Joel Reveals ‘Piano Man’ Is About a Revolting, Cronenberg-Esque Piano-Human Hybrid Driven by Primitive, Uncontrollable Impulses
CENTRE ISLAND, N.Y. — Popular singer/songwriter Billy Joel revealed that his 1973 hit “Piano Man”…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…