Michale Graves Planning To Storm the Gates of Heaven if New Christian Music Career Doesn’t Get Him Admitted
DUMONT, N.J. – Former Misfits frontman Michale Graves expressed his plan to storm Heaven’s Gates if his recent pivot to Christian music does not result in St. Peter letting him in, sources report. “I learned from Donald Trump that you sh…
Opinion: You Lose 100% of the Fights You Don’t Start
Paddy “Punk” Pearlman is the promoter and self-proclaimed manager of The Hard Times. Paddy has an appreciation for “the bleeding edge” of punk, everything from… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Get the full story</a>
Five Movie Roles Tim Allen Didn’t Get Because of Cancel Culture and Also Because He Fucking Sucks at Acting
Reports Confirm Somewhere Between 3 and 97,000 Hantavirus Diagnoses This Week
OMAHA, Neb. — A strain of hantavirus erupted on the Hondius cruise, infecting somewhere between 3 and 97,000 people, confirmed sources who didn’t realize there… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue this tale</a>
Pope Leo Says No Place for Hate in World Except Towards White Sox Front Office
VATICAN CITY — His Holiness Pope Leo XIV proclaimed that hatred of any kind has no place in God’s Kingdom, except when it’s directed at… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue this tale</a>
Not Bad! My Dentist Found Two Cavities, but at Least Sade Is Playing
Broken Credit Card Reader Momentarily Transforms Restaurant Into Cool, Cash Only Dive Bar
SUNRISE, Fla. — Local family restaurant Callahan’s revamped their business model after a malfunctioning credit card machine momentarily turned the establishment into a trendy cash… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
Music
Punks Chant ‘Encore!’ at Costco Sample Lady
VANCOUVER, Canada — A group of snack-loving punks chanted “Encore!” with vigorous intent after Costco sample lady Liu Mei finished handing out her last free serving of jalapeño poppers before exiting the station, confirmed sources. “It’s not even about what…
Dying Fetus Album Features World's First ‘Prenatal Advisory’ Warning
GREATER UPPER MARLBORO, Md. — All future pressings of American death metal institution Dying Fetus's…
Aging B-Boy Has Groove in the Heart, Kidneys, Lymphatic System
DISCO, Wisc. — Renowned b-boy and breakdancer Derrick Emu stunned Deee-Lite fans by revealing the…
Looksmaxxing Metalhead Purposely Fractures His Cranial Bones To Reshape Skullet
MORGANTOWN, W.Va. — Metalhead and self-proclaimed looksmaxxer Owen Reynolds used a hammer to break several…
The Sphere to Use Cutting-Edge Technology to Help No Doubt Fans Forget Who Gwen Stefani Likely Voted For
LAS VEGAS — Engineers at the Sphere in Las Vegas are reportedly using state-of-the-art technology…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…