Report: RFK Jr. Consulted With Top Purina Scientists While Developing New Food Pyramid
WASHINGTON — Secretary of Health Robert F. Kennedy Jr. today revealed the revised food pyramid was developed with input from top scientists from the Purina pet food corporation, sources confirmed. "Ensuring a nutritious diet is paramount…
Bullshit Twins Aren’t Even the Kind Who Spend Every Waking Moment Together
DULUTH, Minn. — Systems analyst Guillermo Rodriguez aggravated his friends when he notified them that he had a twin brother who lived in another town,… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue reading this gem</a>
We Look Back on the “Armageddon” Soundtrack Because, Look, We Don’t Have To Justify Ourselves to You, Ok?
Turning Point USA to Air Alternative Super Bowl Where Patriots Win
SANTA CLARA, Calif. — Conservative organization Turning Point USA will air an alternative Super Bowl that will give victory to the New England Patriots, confirmed… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
In Response to Trump’s Tasteless Meme, We Put His Face on the Body of a Known Rapist and Pedophile
It’s a sad state of affairs that we’ve all just gotten used to childish, wildly inappropriate behavior from our own president. He shares AI slop,… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Get the full story</a>
Unhinged Terry Gross Summarizes Entire Movie While Actor Stands By
Tom Waits Insists Royalty Checks Be Delivered by Raven Wearing Top Hat
SONOMA COUNTY, Calif. — Eccentric singer Tom Waits demanded all correspondence be brought to him in increasingly unorthodox ways, frustrated couriers confirm. “The record company… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue this tale</a>
Music
Nation’s Deadbeat Dads Demand Some Sort of Summer Fest Featuring Cinderella, Damn Yankees
SAN FRANCISCO — Deadbeat dads across the nation demanded some sort of summer music festival featuring Cinderella and Damn Yankees, confirmed sources. “Punk fathers have Warped Tour, metalheads have Riotfest, and tryhard dads accompany their kids to Lollapalooza,” claimed 55-year-old…
Punk Oura Ring Notifies Wearer That They Haven’t Had Cigarette in Over an Hour
PORTLAND, Ore. — Makers of the Oura Ring, the health metric wearable, announced an option…
Suicidal Tendencies’ Mike Muir Now Sporting Full-Body Bandana
VENICE, Calif. — Mike Muir, singer for thrash-punk band Suicidal Tendencies, appeared onstage wearing a…
Report: Crowd Surfer Hard
BALTIMORE — A crowd surfer during a Cannibal Corpse show at Soundstage weirded out other…
Metal Band Debating Whether They Should Completely Fucking Ruin Their Music by Adding a Keyboardist
EUGENE, Ore. — Up-and-coming metal band Enrager found themselves considering whether they should completely fucking…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…