ROME — Italian nu-metal singer Frederico Durstino from the band Limpico Bizcotti needs his fans to know that he’s doing it all for the gnocchi, according to several hungry sources.
“You can call me a chumpino if you want, but like most Italians I’m doing it all for the gnocchi,” said Durstino while slamming down platefuls of the pasta-like dumplings and parmesan cheese. “If you ever see me out on a date, just know I’m doing it for the gnocchi. And the tiramisu, of course. People need to know they can take that gnocchi and stick it down their throats. Make sure to add the pomodoro sauce and get yourself a nice espresso and a bottle of red wine while you’re at it to make it a traditional Italian breakfast. A-like-a chump, aye!”
Fans of Limpico Bizcotti heralded the advice of their favorite singer.
“Whether it’s in the morning, the afternoon, or late at night, it’s always just one of those days where I can heat up a plate of gnocchi,” said Italian nu-metal fan Anna Medici. “Lots of boys have offered to make gnocchi with me and I tend to take them up on their offer. Though I’ll take gnocchi from girls too if it’s offered. I’m not picky. I’d love to make sweet gnocchi with Frederico if he’d let me, even if he is a little messed up in the testa.”
Pope Leo was not too thrilled to hear about his flock’s obsession with getting gnocchi all the time.
“I for one abstain from eating gnocchi because I’d much rather prefer a nice Chicago hot dog,” said Pope Leo before greeting the crowd in St. Peter’s Square. “It would be my recommendation that people wait until they’re married before making gnocchi together. It’s a bonding experience that is the truest expression of Christian love. It’s that love which makes the gnocchi taste great. Otherwise, it ends up tasting like hot dog water. Which coincidentally is what I used for holy water at my Chicago parish anytime we ran out. No one noticed the odor but I guess that’s just how most Chicagoans already smell.”
At press time, it was confirmed that Durstino was offering up his homemade alfredo sauce to anyone wanting to enjoy some gnocchi.
